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Pooping My Pants In Norfolk

This is definitely one of the more disgusting stories that will be posted here for That Guy!'s Embarrassing Story Wednesday.  As always, every bit of this is true, no matter how much you may not belief it is or how much we wish it wasn't.  Without anymore delay, I present to you this week's tale of woe.

A couple of summers ago, on the way back from a vacation with my then-girlfriend's family to the Outer Banks in North Carolina, her and I stopped in Norfolk, Virginia on our way back to Jersey.  I had been to Norfolk a couple of times before and each time I enjoyed myself.  This time would turn out to be different.  We left North Carolina early that morning, a Saturday in late August, and were in Norfolk by 8:30AM.  The entire city was quiet which was both fortunate and odd.  I parked my car in a local parking garage not too far from the USS Wisconsin, a battleship-turned-museum docked in Norfolk.  We proceeded to walk around the harbor area, looking at the boats, the Wisconsin, and the general beauty of the waterfront.  As we walked around the Wisconsin, I felt my stomach gurgle.  Nothing of concerned but definitely needed to find a bathroom before we grabbed breakfast.  Within minutes though the gurgle had turned into an incessant rumble and boiling feces that let me know quickly I needed to evacuate my stomach before it did on its own terms.  I told my girlfriend that I needed to get to a bathroom now and began to walk from the Wisconsin towards the buildings that make up downtown Norfolk.  I found on my phone there was a Starbucks within a mile of where we were and we made a beeline for it.  The first right, the second left.  That's all the stood between and me and safety/relief.  It wasn't long after we made the right turn that the horror of realizing I wasn't going to make it set in.  My steps became shorter and softer and as my girlfriend walked ahead of me I began to look for options.  It was zero hour.  I cannot tell you how lucky I was this was a Saturday morning and not a weekday for I surely would have been arrested.  Without a thought I dropped my boardshorts, stepped into a tiny alcove for the front door of an office building and quickly announced, "I'm not going to make it."  As my girlfriend turned around she saw three things: a man with his shorts and boxers around his knees; a massive, explosive stream of brown, runny shit; and a look on my face she would later describe as one of, "pure relief and shame".  It came in two massive explosions that painted the alcove and the sidewalk in shades reserved for 1970's carpeting.  I finished my deed, feeling like a million dollars, but a total mess.  I had no options to wipe with, nothing to clean myself with.  The only choice was to pull up my shorts and trek the remaining handful of blocks to the original goal of Starbucks.  We arrived, and then I spent the next 15 minutes trying to properly clean myself up and dispose of my boxers, all things I never imagined I would be doing on a family vacation.  As I emerged to my girlfriend staring at me with a look I can't quiet put my finger on, the only thing I could manage was, "My ass is clean, but my self-esteem isn't".

We then ate breakfast.

Player Wives

Come on down, Emily Kuchar!

Emily who?  Maybe we should of announced her with her official title.

Come on down, Miss Daytona Beach 2008!

No, still not ringing a bell?  We'll try one more time.

Come on down, Mrs. Zach Greinke!

There we go.  Much better.  Once again our athlete rider has her own website and a body that we'd fight a caged tiger while wearing a suit of steak to fuck.  Zach may live in Milwaukee and be slightly off kilter but if those two things added up to her, you could sign us up for weekly therapy and a fitting for a Cheesehead.

Barry Bonds Does Something Genuinely Nice

Barry Bonds, former baseball player who did somethings of importance*, did something truly nice.  After visiting with beaten Giants fan Bryan Stow while in the hospital and leaving an autographed bat for his children, Bonds donated money to the Stow family to pay for the childrens' education.  Good on Barry.

Quote Of The Day

Carl Everett, former MLB player and current assaulter, had this gem of a quote regarding our friends the dinosaurs.   
"God created the sun, the stars, the heavens and the earth, and then made Adam and Eve. The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Someone actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex."

Eyeopener - Work Is Dicking Us Over, San Jose Gets Its Consolation Prize

Work is being a whore with a sloppy vag today so the Eyeopener is going to be not as extensive as usual and the Wednesday Embarrassing Story will be up around 3 today.  The good news?  It's a story of the highest quality?  The bad news?  We may not have as much up today but dammit, we'll try.  On with the show!

-Fucking LeBron.  El Heat took control of the series last night with a 101-93 win in overtime.  Chicago, much like OKC the night before, had a chance to win the game on the final possession.  And, also very much like OKC, got a look one could only describe as "shitactular".  You have to love when a team of multi-millionaires can't execute a basic last shot play.

-Sharks, come get your parting gift!  The Vancouver Canucks moved onto the Stanley Cup Finals for the first time since 1994 with a double overtime 3-2 win.  Vancouver tied the game with 13.2 seconds left with an extra attacker then won it two periods later when defenseman Kevin Bieksa got what described as, "probably the ugliest goal of my career, but the biggest," to light the lamp.  San Jose is turning into the Cubs of hockey: perpetual disappointment.

-Is everyone on the juice again?  Carlos Quentin launched three homers, the fifth player to do so this year, as the ChiSox beat the Rangers and large hail, 8-6.  (The "large hail" link has video of the hail.)

-Coors Field turned into a legitimate house of pain yesterday.  First, Rockies almost-ace Jorge De La Rosa suffered a complete tear of his ulnar collateral ligament in the first game of a doubleheader which the Rox and DBacks split.  The injury will require a Tommy John-style surgery which will sideline DLR for a year.  Even more tragically, in the seventh inning of the same game, a 27 year old fan fell 20 feet off a stairwell leading to the centerfield seats.  The fan is currently in critical condition.  Both need to get well soon.

-Mike Brown was offered the keys to the Lakermobile in the wake of Phil Jackson's departure.  The question is, without LeBron James to co-pilot it, will he crash it into the tar pits?

A Little Midweek Stimulation

Rise and shine, motherfuckers.

It's Wednesday so it's time for us over here at That Guy! to give you a pick me up.  Hump Day sucks not just because we're so far from a weekend but because there is so little humping involved.  What doesn't suck?  This song.  Lessssgoooo!