Monday, June 20, 2011

Help Out A Family Who Deserves It

For us to say anything nice about a Yankee, a wearer of pinstripes would probably have to save a busload of children, a school for the disabled, and a senior citizen tour group from terrorists all in the same day.  David Robertson is doing the real world equivalent of that.  Robertson has started High Socks For Hope, a charity to help families devastated by the recent tornados in Robertson's hometown of Tuscaloosa, Alabama. The funds help to rebuild and repair the buildings and lives damaged by nature's incredible power.

Quote Of The Day

It combines two of our favorite things on earth: sports and White Russians (which I'm sure the five of us who went to Vegas a couple of years ago for spring break drank a swimming pool of that one night in the MGM).  After seeing a string of Lebowski things this weekend (t-shirts, bumper stickers, etc.) I figured we'd go with the most famous quote of em all.  Enjoy.

Player Wives - Ex-Wife Edition!


Come on down, Candace Cameron!

Along with Kelly Kapowski, DJ Tanner dominated every fantasy I had when I first started figuring out the whole "Hey, if I do this..." aspect of growing up.  Apparently Valeri Bure, who is more famous for being a twin than anything else felt that marrying into my crushes of the 1993 was sound advice.  It ultimately didn't work out, but he got to do what every male born between 1984-1990 always dreamed of: fucking DJ.

These Guys Did What Matt Holliday Didn't: Touch Home Plate At Coors Field


If you are a Rockies, Padres, or hardcore MLB fan the joke wasn't lost on you.  If it is lost on you, just know that in Game 162 Holliday may or may not have touched home plate in scoring the winning run that sent the Rockies to the playoffs and ultimately the World Series.  Deadspin the other day had a great video of a pair of guys living my dream out of running around the bases at Coors Field.  Then a security showed up and then the cops, turning the sweetest of dreams into a relatively shitty nightmare.  But imagine the bar stores!

Friday, June 17, 2011

Song For The Weekend

I am not a hater of the French. They make fun metal structures, make damn fine coffee, and give us delicious potato dishes.  You know what else they give us?  Phoenix, the band who made mainstream waves last year with their song 1901.  But before their commercial success they were making good music and here is some of it, their song If I Ever Feel Better.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

A New Contributor, A New Propositon


We like to open up our blog to the handful of friends we have that can write and did things other than sleep through college.  While it may render the heading inaccurate we honestly don't give a shit.  We hope you enjoy our new section, That Guy! @ College.

This is my introductory post sharing some of the stories that I had while attending a highly respected university. I use the term “highly respected” in the loosest sense.  My alma mater is not known for their academics or prestigious, world class programs rather mainly for partying and sometimes athletics.  Somehow ended up graduating in 4 years, but it was a long journey of many drunken nights that provided many good laugh.  I hope you enjoy these as much I did living them.

Infamous “Late Nights”

Working at a nightclub in this particular college town was extremely fun.  I met tons of people and made money while watching young students get belligerently intoxicated.  However, when was our time to party? Since people like to go out on weekends (who knew?) I was always working on the weekends leaving the employees no time to go out and party hard.  That changed my sophomore year when we as employees decided to start and take part in “Late Nights”.

"Late Nights" consisted of getting out of the work around 3-3:30 AM, purchasing cases off beer and bottles of liquor from the nightclub, and heading to one of the employee's places to rage until hours of the morning usually reserved for hookers and murderers.  Watching the sun come up with bottles of Jameson in our hands was not unusual.

One of my first ever Late Nights was a memorable one.  We had just gotten off of work and were trying to get everyone to party.  It fell short though as just myself, another male employee, and two chicks decided drinking at 3 AM was sound decision making. Our group headed back to one of our apartments where we began taking shots and bonging beers like it was nobody's business. By 5 AM we were shitfaced. As the sun is starting to come up, me and the one chick were flirting heavily.  We had always had a flirtatious relationship but the alcohol helped push this one to the next level.

After some more heavy flirting we proceeded to go up to her room and start to fool around.  One thing led to the another; the next thing I know we were banging.  She was sort of a kinky girl: talking dirty, doing some things I’ve never done before, and generally being a great time... until she threw the ultimate curveball at me. I was giving it to her from behind (just as she liked it) and in mid-thrust she turns back to me and says “Oh, my God!  All I want you to do is BUST in my FACE!”  Wait!  WHAT!?  Holy crap!  Did she just say what I thought she said?  Is this really happening right now? I thought they only said that stuff in porn! I was at a loss, stuck between shock, excitement, and confusion.  I had to have a plan of attack but how to you even plan for something like that our of nowhere?  While continuing my business I went back and forth in my head on how I was going to finish the climax (ha) of this experience.  I ultimately decided not to fulfill her mouth/face wishes because of a sense of… I guess… I don’t know; I just didn’t know if it was the right thing to do.  The end was nearing and I ultimately decided to discard future lawyers, doctors, and astronauts (I assume) all over her back.  The landing of the load was met with a truly disappointed, “Oh, man.”  I guess she was pretty serious about what she wanted.

By the time it was all over it was 7 AM and I decided to do the right thing by going home and sleeping off my shamefulness.  The lesson as always?  Give a girl exactly what she wants.

Until next time...
That Guy! @ College

While Playing Tecmo...


this happened.  The glorious part of it?  He recovered a fumbled free kick following a Derrick Thomas safety of Bills QB (Jim Kelly).

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Play Tecmo Super Bowl Online!


I'm sure some of you remember Tecmo Super Bowl, the Nintendo game where Bo Jackson and Christian Okoye could intentionally run into people and then send them backwards 15 yards, where a 110 yard pass in their was always an option, and kickers could routinely nail 75 yard field goals. Well you can play it online along with many other Nintendo games.  Click here if you want to play Tecmo and run wild using the Nigerian Nightmare or here just to check out a very solid site.  Also, Bleacher Report ran an article last year on who was the best of the best in game.  The list had the obvious choices and a few others that only the hardcore players would ever recognize.

Player Wives


Come on down, Danielle Gamba!

Ugh!  That smokeshow of an XX chromosome combination is married to Nick Swisher, world renowned asshat.  When you type in "Nick Swisher" in Google, our favorite search engine provides us with the following searches:

Nick Swisher girlfriend
Nick Swisher pictures
Nick Swisher haircut
Nick Swisher contract
Nick Swisher news

He's supposed to be a baseball player (he's not very good) but instead is treated more like a D list celebrity.  When you type in Albert Pujols Google does the legwork of putting in:

Albert Pujols stats
Albert Pujols espn
Albert Pujols contract
Albert Pujols biography

Yet she married Option A!  Fuck you, Nick Swisher.

A Little Midweek Stimulation

Rise and grind, motherfuckers.  It's Wednesday and already our eyes are focused on Friday afternoon.  Not that for us it's any different, we still have work on Saturday and Sunday, but at least we can say we're working on the weekend not for the weekend.  It's also mid June so schoolsthatarenotcolleges will be getting out and before we start flipping off the little bastards on the roads or getting pissed off that they're creating long lines for the slide at the public swimming pool let us honor them.  Reminisce to the days where work didn't exist and a summer's day was a blank canvas.  Lesssgoooo!

Monday, June 13, 2011

Quote Of The Day


Ah, fuck it.  We're piling on today!

"In this fall I'm going to take my talents to South Beach and join the Miami Heat."

Enjoy your summer, BJ!

Player Wives


Come on down, Ingrid Gordon!

When Jeff Gordon isn't riding around in a car at 200 MPH he gets to ride Ingrid, his Belgian supermodel of a wife.  Jeff is currently listed at a generous 5'7".  His wife?  5'9".  However Jeff does is much larger in one area... his checking account.  His career winnings on NASCAR's top circuit?  118,469,869.  That doesn't include sponsorship money or earnings from other racing circuits.  Good for you, little man!

Eyeopener - We Can All Finally Celebrate


-What was stunning in watching the Dallas Mavericks 105-95 NBA Championship clinching victory in game six wasn't that Dallas proved they were better.  What was amazing to see was how mentally and emotionally dead Miami looked in the last few minutes.  The margin was large but not insurmountable yet the Heat looked as if they had stopped playing and stopped coaching.  Fantastic.  Oh.  LBJ is a dick.

-Dirk Nowitzki was the Finals MVP.  No surprise there.  What was a surprise, or at least a departure from what we've come to expect, was Dirk's reaction at the end of the game.  He ran off the court with time left on the clock and into the locker room, understandably overcome with emotion and keeping with his modest and humble image.  I like him.

-It's a big fall from story one to story two in sports.  Jeff Gordon netted his fifth career win at Pocono yesterday.  It was win number 84 in his career, moving him into a three way tie for third all time.  With Carl Edwards finishing 37th the standings became very, very crowded at the top.

-The baseball map has a chance of becoming very different shortly.  What I like about the proposals is the best five teams from each league would make the playoffs instead of current system of three division leaders and two wild cards.

-Stupid offense.  Francisco Liriano (he plays for the Minnesota Twins if you didn't know) was six outs away from no-no number two of the season.  Then the Twinkies offense erupted for five runs against the Texas Rangers pitching staff keeping Liriano sidelined for a half hour.  You can guess what happened next, both in terms of this no-no and the final score.

-The Red Sox have won nine straight and scored 376 runs during that stretch.  (Note: all figures are approximate.)  Yesterday they hung two touchdowns with the extra points on the Toronto Blue Jays for a 14-1 win.

-The San Diego Padres and Washington Nationals recorded 54 combined outs before a run was scored.  The Nats got two in the top of the ninth and that would be the ballgame.

-I really dislike the Empire and their overrated shortstop.

-Mike Tyson, Julio Cesar Chavez, and Sly Stallone were all introduced into the Boxing Hall of Fame yesterday.  Tim Dahlberg wrote a nice piece for USA Today touching on how lucky we are to have Tyson alive and very well and he's right.  The world is a good place with a healthy and happy Tyson in it.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

More Tits In Vancouver!

The Hockey New's John Grigg (@THNJohnGrigg) posted this picture on Twitter today.  Apparently the women of British Columbia show their fan support by showing their breasts sans support.  We here support that.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Song For The Weekend

Here's your song for the weekend, a little upbeat number to carry you through what we're all hoping is a great weekend for you, our faithful (we hope!) reader.  It's Passion Pit, a super smart band you really need to be listening to.

Quote Of The Day


Today's quote is from the week's hot topic, Anthony Weiner's weiner.  The quote is from the congressman himself, taken from a sexually charged Facebook chat with a Las Vegas blackjack dealer.  The entire quote is (sic).  Enjoy!

"you will surely make noise when I take you deep. i will tell you how tight your p**** feels"

Player Wives










Come on down, Vanessa Bryant!
Kobe cheated on you which has to suck. But look the ring you got out of it! Holy moley! I'm sure deep down, knowing how envious every single woman on earth is of that thing must make you feel good about yourself. Sure he has bajillions of dollars and may or may not have raped someone but... THE RING! Good for you, you smokeshow of a gal.

Google Honors Les Paul In The Coolest Way Possible



Google is honoring guitar pioneer Les Paul for one more day.  Yesterday, June 9, would have been Paul's 96th birthday.  To honor him, the Google Doddle was turned into a playable, recordable Les Paul guitar.  Due to popular demand, Google has kept it up for another day.  Already people are doing some amazing thing with it.


So I urge you to go Google and play away using either your mouse or your keyboard to "pluck".  In fact, we even recorded a little melody just for you.  Just click here.

Eyeopener - Have You Seen This Boy?


-Before I rip into LeBron, lets give credit where it belongs.  Dirk, Jet, and co. flat out beat Miami last night.  They didn't get lucky, they didn't get bailed out by the refs, they just beat Miami.  They are the better and I really enjoy watching them play basketball.  Their 112-103 victory has them 48 minutes away from lifting the Larry O'Brien as champions of the NBA.

-LeBron knows this isn't hockey and they play four periods and not three, right?  Yes, BronBron had a triple-double and his overall numbers were good.  Good isn't good enough.  He needs to be great, and I don't think he has it in him.  For the second straight game he shrank when it mattered most, scoring only two points in the last quarter.  And those came with less than 30 seconds left.  Miami is slowly turning on him as the begin to see what he really is, a phenomenal boy of an athlete, not a man.

-Apparently Bill Stewart may not have to coach a season with a coach in waiting.  Reports out of the backwoods of America (you'll understand the dislike of this place shortly) seem to be pointing to Stewart being out of a job as soon as this weekend.

-Hey, Kenny Britt?  Stop being a fucking asshole.  You're making our alma mater look bad, not yours.  Every single person who writes for this site has a Rutgers diploma hanging on a wall (or stuffed in a drawer) while you don't.  What do you have instead?  A multi-million dollar contract and the potential to be one of the best receivers in the NFL.  Stop fucking up and listen to Derrick Mason when he says to get out of New Jersey.


-Bob Geren is out as the managers of the Oakland A's, the first A's manager to be ousted mid-season in over 25 years.  Bob Melvin is not the interim manager further proving there are approximately 45 managers in baseball and clubs just recycle the constantly.  If you follow the link there is a great little side anecdote about Mike Sweeney giving a speech in which he is essential Randall Patrick McMurphy and Geren is Nurse Ratched.

-Rain delayed the start of the Yankees-Red Sox game last night by 3 hours and 27 minutes.  First pitch was at 10:32 PM and last out was recorded at 1:43 AM.  In between there a game was played, some players were plunked, a Yankees lead was established, a seven run Red Sox happened, and the Sox swept the Empire.

-The Phillies couldn't hold a lead last night in the ninth and and it ended up costing them in the eleventh.  Tyler Colvin scored the go ahead run on a Placido Polanco throwing error as the Baby Bears won 4-3.  It's the eighth time in nine games the Phils have scored three or fewer runs.

-Well that was fun while it lasted, Pittsburgh.

-Can a brother get some run support?  Madison Bumgarner is 2-8... with a 3.23 ERA!  He picked up loss eight on the year last night, dropping a 3-0 decision.

-Tacos AND wins in Denver!

-Roberto Luongo will be back between the pipes tonight for the Canucks.  The bigger question is will he be there at the end of the third period or will the Bruins chase him once more.

-Ay, caramba!  Five players on the Mexican national soccer team were banned for using the PED last year's Tour de France champion Alberto Contador was found to be using.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Embrassing Story Wednesday


It's a day late but whatever.  This story is an old one, a time where I had no facial hair and still hadn't touched my first boob yet.  It was July 2000, I was 12, and I was in Australia as part of a three week exchange program.  This incident took place on our second full day Down Under (sorry, I had to work it in):

Our group consisted of 40 students, four chaperones/teachers, our tour guide Melissa, and our bus driver Graham.  We started on the northeast coast in Cairns, home to rainforests and the Great Barrier Reef.  While showering for dinner on our second night I swore I heard someone knock on my door.  I threw on a towel and and I opened the door only to find no one.  Thinking maybe someone need something, clothes, toothpaste, etc. I stepped completely out of my room and into the hall.  Now, it wasn't really a hall, more of a passage way.  Being in the tropics the rooms all opened onto an open air passage, sort of like how malls in nice weather cities are built.  (Here's a link to the resort since I'm doing a shitty job describing it.)  Anyway, I turn to go back into my room the door won't budge.  It had locked behind me.  I was stuck in only a towel, dripping wet and visible to pretty much anyone who walked by and looked up.  I immediately become frantic (this experience would help me to prepare for college, a time in your life when being without most of your clothes in public is called Friday).  By chance a girl who was staying across the hall-thing from us comes out to head to dinner only to find a mostly naked, soaking me standing there.  She clearly does not know what to make of this.  I asked to go get our head chaperone, a fierce little lady, which she does in a hurry.  In what probably three minutes but felt like three hours our chaperone shows up to let me in, reading me the riot act on how I'm embarrassing myself, our group, and by proxy our country.  Remember, this was pre-GWBush so I really was embarrassing the US.  She let me in and I dressed in a matter of seconds.  As we walk in to eat I was met with a round of applause from my groupmates and chaperones.

Rangers Draft Paralyzed Player (Did It Just Get Dusty In Here?)


The Texas Rangers, reigning AL Champions made us choke up yesterday and not because they were teaching us how to hold a bat or eliminate our team from the playoffs.  No, instead they made us get emotional after drafting Jonathon Taylor in the 33rd round of yesterday's amateur baseball draft.  This wouldn't be anything special, Taylor is a .320 hitter with a set of wheels, someone who can cash checks of varying amounts by playing baseball, if Taylor wasn't paralyzed.  Taylor, or JT as his friends have creatively nicknamed him, was paralyzed on March 6 of this year after an outfield collision with teammate Zach Cone, the 37th pick in this year's draft, also by the Rangers.  Taylor is currently paralyzed from the waist down but is showing signs of improvement and I'm sure his spirits received a huge boost once he received word of his being drafted. 

Player Wives

Come on down, Gena Lee Nolin!

When we do the Player Wives posts, one of us emails me to get it all pretty and posted.  Usually the subject on the email is something pretty straight forward, the player's name, the wife's name, etc.  No, not today, not for this one.  This is subject on today's email, spelling and grammar just as it came to me in my GMail: "Who the fuck is cale hulse".  Apparently Cale Hulse made his living playing hockey for 15 years.  Also, he is nailing this piece of ass:


Sweet Jebus!  Sports are amazing.  Cale Hulse was a defenseman who I remember only because of NHL 2002 on the PC.  He carved a career as a third pairing guy and he gets to sleep with her nightly.  Only in the world of professional sports can someone mediocre get a Gena Lee Nolin.  Let me know when your best college professor rolls in with a piece of arm candy like that, I know none of mine did.

Quote Of The Day

Usually for the quote of the day we turn to words that ring through the annals (ha) of history.  Not so for today's offering.  Last night Charlie Manuel, the manager of the Phillies who perpetually looks like he is about to fall asleep on the bench, professed his love for Cole Hamels.  Whether that love was for the pitcher or the man is still unclear.  (Note: We got the quote from the Twitter of Philadelphia Inquirer staff writer Matt Gelb.  Matt is an absolute must follow if you care about Philadelphia baseball or just good sports writing in general.  Find him on Twitter: @magelb)

A Little Midweek Stimulation

Rise and grind, motherfuckers.

So it's a day late but when you're pulling your ass through the doldrums of the work week does it even matter?  Aren't the days just one shit smear from Monday to Friday?  I can see you nodding in agreement.  So lets do this, a little something to get you motivated enough to ask the cute girl down the hall out for drinks.  Or at least sneak an extra few seconds of creepy leering as she walks by.  Lessssgoooo.


Eyeopener - Nearly Killing Nathan Horton Seems Like A Bad Idea In Retrospect


Fuck word limits in titles.  Our blog, our unwieldy titles.

-Since Nathan Horton was nearly killed by Aaron Rome, the Bruins have outscored the Canucks 12-1 and tied the Stanley Cup Finals at two games apiece.  Seemingly besides cleaning Horton's clock, Rome seems to have cleaned the cobwebs up and kick started their offense into something fierce.  The B's took down Vancouver 4-0 in game four last night officially transforming from a potential whitewashing into a best of three shootout.   Already people north of the bordering are questioning if Bob Luongo (when you get shelled like he has been, you lose full name privileges) should start game five while the name Timothy, or variations thereof, will likely be the number one time in the greater Boston area this year.

-Speaking of Canada, Terrelle Pryor should make sure his passport is valid.  The Saskatchewan Roughriders acquired the rights yesterday to negotiate with the former Buckeye signal caller.  Pryor, who you should know by now left tOSU after a shitstorm of epic proportion that culminated in the accusation he made 20-40k selling his Herbie Hancock, is now a free agent of sorts and already people are speculating what's next.  Some are speculating Pryor could spend a season in the UFL, others are pondering already how TP could excel on their NFL squad of interest, and yet others are saying he won't be a solid fit on the 'Riders.

-So much for that infamous slow start.  The Red Sox are back on top of the AL East after their second straight whooping of the Empire.  I know New York had a solid west coast swing but I just have this feeling (that very well may be all bias) that these two teams are trending in very different directions.

-Buccos!  The Pirates are playing .500 ball!  At 30-30 this is the latest the Pirates have been at or above the break even mark since 2005.  The win came in the 12th inning on a Andrew McCutchen walk-off blast that sent the Pirates into a frenzy and DBacks to the showers.

-The Rockies won a series.  To say I'm elated would be an understatement.

-Cole Hamels was dominant, and he needed to be.  It's never good when the article starts with, "As he began the first home run trot for a Phillies hitter in eight days..."  What is good is when you beat the LA Dodgers 2-0 like the Phillies did last night.

-I am starting to really like DeShawn Stevenson and the way he (accurately) keeps talking shit about LeBron in the media.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Things Will Be Back To Normal

Don't worry everyone.  We didn't give up on the site, not by a long shot.  Sometimes life gets in the way and your employer won't let you take some time off to write about hot player wives or 19 year old college athletes.  Everything is a go for tomorrow including a belated Midweek Stimulation, Eyeopener, etc.

We hope you still love us.

Quote Of The Day

Dirk Nowitzki last night helped carry the Mavericks to a game four win, knotting the NBA Finals at 2-2.  The performance was reminiscent of some guy name Michael fighting somethin' nasty in game five of the 1998 NBA Fianls when he scored 38 points, grabbed seven boards, and added three swipes.  With that in mind, we turn to MJ for our quote, this one from a less than stellar night for Air Jordan, the night of his Hall of Fame induction:

"Tex reminded me that there's no 'I' in 'team".  And I looked back at Tex, I said, 'There's 'I' in win."

Player Wives - Widow Edition!


Come on down, Melissa Lima!

We're sorry your husband Jose died.  He was loved by all of us, someone who may have worn every jersey in the majors and always gave it his all.  That said, if you ever get lonely and need someone to keep you company through those long and lonely nights, I'm your guy.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

How Much Bling On Your Ring?


Deadspin linked today to a piece on Hoopism where every NBA Championship ring is shown by team.  It's incredible to see how they went from incredibly simple to works of art starting in the 1980s.  The Lakers' 1987 ring is the first to really be iced out but what is also of note is how the following ring war was waged.  (Say that five times fast.)

1981: The Boston Celtics add green around their singular diamond, the first team in history to do so.

1982: The Los Angeles Lakers add purple around their diamond to keep up with their rivals in Beantown.

1983: The Philadelphia 76ers add red just to fit in with the kids at the lunch table.

1984: The Celtics say fuck this and add a shamrock around their diamond, daring the next team to do the same.

1985: The Lakers, lacking shamrocks in their team logo, use the Larry O'Brien trophy on their rings.

1986: The Celtics play the shamrock card once again, this time adding the O'Brien trophy to the ring with a shamrock in the background.

1987: The Lakers use five diamonds representing their five NBA Championships since moving to Los Angeles then follow that with a singular diamond surrounded by a purple field with a perimeter of diamonds, essentially the "I have infinity plus one!" argument of NBA Championship rings.

Quote Of The Day


 As a kid there was one person above all in my house.  A man who could perform miracles, turn something into nothing, make you appreciate what you were feeling and seeing.  That man was Joe Montana.

I still revere him to this day even after finding out he played college football at the epicenter of everything dark and evil in the world. Today's quote of the day comes from Joe Cool himself.  Trailing in the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl with 200 ticks on the clock left, Montana turned to Harris Barton and gave him words of inspiration:

"There, in the stands, standing near the exit ramp.  Isn't that John Candy?"

Player Wives

Come on down, Jennifer Utley!

She sort of looks like Olivia Wilde, a compliment of the highest order.  Chase really has it made if you look past his gimpy knee: a World Series ring, a couple of pennants, many dollars in his bank account(s), legions of adoring fans sporting his name, and a smokeshow of a wife tagging along for the ride.

I hope you blow out both knees, Chase.

Eyeopener - The Canucks Are Scumbags


-The Vancouver Canucks came into game three of the Stanley Cup Finals having won the first two games while making it seem as if the series would be a breeze.  Then Aaron Rome leveled Nathan Horton in a hit that evoked different responses depending on which dressing room you were in (and one I thought was exceptionally dirty and dangerous) and the B's woke up.  Boston hung a great eight on the Canucks in an 8-1 win that saw Bruins up the ante in physicality and Vancouver fall apart, especially Roberto Luongo.

-Congratulations to Bob Stoops and the Oklahoma Sooners on their national championship!  The Sooners fought long and hard all season, suffering a set back in only their last game of the season at the hands of the Southern Cal Trojans.  That won't matter though as USC has to vacate it's 2004 BCS National Championship as punishment for using Reggie Bush, an ineligible player.

-Hand down, man down!  Mark Jackson is the new coach of the Golden State Warriors, a team known more for its offense than its defense.  Jackson figures to be a defensive ninded coach who will need to change the culture in the Bay Area to have success so expect to hear Jackson yelling "Hand down, man down!" frequently this coming season.

-Dirk Nowitzki needs a little support from time to time.  Some times he turns to his wife and sometimes he turns to his teammates.  And while Dirk's wife seems to be bringing the goods day in and day out:


Jason Terry and Co. hasn't been in the finals.  Dirk called out Terry yesterday, a move a little surprising from such a quiet superstar.  Considering the source, it might just be what the Mavs needed to even the series tonight.

-The MLB Draft was yesterday, bringing to the forefront a group of names you won't care about for another five years.  We'll let the pros at MLB.com explain who is who and what is what.

-Nails will be behind bars.  Lenny Dykstra, financial guru turned felon, was arrested on charges of grand theft auto and drug possession as well as a slew of related charges.  He is jailed on $500,000 bail.

We Took A Mental Day Off


We needed a mental day to ourselves yesterday so we didn't post, hope you didn't miss us too much.  We're working on the Eyeopener as we speak!

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Tulo Inspires Masterpieces


Troy Tulowitzki, Colorado's near mythical shortstop, has inspired a masterpiece in the chalk medium.  The chalk art above was found in Larimer Square in Denver, complete with the score of today's 2-1 Rockies win and the Root Sports heading.  Well done, mystery artist.

Friday, June 3, 2011

We Caught People Having Sex In A Car


My girlfriend and I after a little dinner went to go park and chat for a bit last night.  We drove to a darker part of the parking lot, aiming to park next to two apparently empty cars.  As soon as I began to wheel the car into the parking space two very scared and very naked guys popped up from the backseat of one of the cars, desperately trying to dress themselves thinking/assuming we were the cops.  I drove away as fast as I could, we didn't want to ruin their night more than we already had.

Baseball: America's Next Economic Bubble?


The idea of bubbles bursting and letting a lot of people fall on their economic asses is an idea we've seen first hand: the dotcom bubble, the housing bubble, the dubble bubble.  But what about baseball?  Today a report on the financial health of MLB's 30 squads revealed that nine are outside of the rules set forth on debt-to-income.  Currently the rule states a club cannot have a debt 10 times greater than it's annual revenue yet some recognizable clubs find themselves out of compliance.  Aside from the Dodgers and Mets who are well-document debtors, the Phillies, Cubs, Rangers, Orioles, Tigers, Nationals, and Marlins all find themselves on the list of too much debt.  Major League Baseball claims they are not worried and that most of these clubs will be back within the parameters shortly but what remains is a bigger question.  Despite MLB doubling it's revenue to seven billion dollars in eight years, when clubs begin to outspend their means shades of the housing bubble come into play.  Now, I'm not saying teams will collapse and players will be holding out their hats on street corners.  What I am saying though is teams need to show fiscal restraint to ensure the long-term financial health of their club and the league as a whole.

The fine folks over at Phillies Nation did a great job using the available information on how and where exactly the Phillies went awry financially.  It's a solid and concise read that explains not only Philly's situation but most other club's as well, aside from the Mets and Dodgers.

Something New - Song For The Weekend

Since we like you guys, and sort of feel bad for a lack of posting today, we're rolling out a new feature on the site.  Every Friday we'll put up a song we've been digging on.  It can be old, new, shitty, not so shitty, whatever, just a little something to groove on throughout the weekend.  Given the tastes in music amongst the authors of That Guy! the songs are all but guaranteed to be eclectic at best.  So, lets do this thing.  This weekend's offering:

Brian Sabean Is Clearly A Bitter And Deranged Asshole

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Player Wives



Come on down, Hilary Duff!

Mike Comrie, congratulations. Not only have you had a respectable NHL career, you've managed to nail down one of the hottest pieces of ass in Hollywood. Not only that, SHE'S SEVEN YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU! I don't care all the bad things they say about Canadians, you prove them wrong. Enjoy tagging that over and over while you both roll around in your millions.

How Herbstreit Got it Wrong


Kirk Herbstreit, the pretty boy of ESPN's college football coverage, the face of every fan's Saturday morning programming, and the analyst for some of the sport's biggest television events, botched this off season's biggest story. In response to Jim Tressel's resignation, the former Buckeye quarterback said, "I just think he got caught up in being so loyal to try and take care of his own players the way you would your son, the way I would my son, that I think trying to take care of them ended up backfiring on him." His spineless interpretation of the events is not only a dangerously misleading portrayal of Tressel's actions, it is also blatantly false.

Jim Tressel: The Facts

In the Spring of 2010, Jim Tressel was informed that his players were receiving improper benefits in exchange for team merchandise and autographs. When the players' scam came to light, Tressel lied and denied any knowledge of their "isolated" actions. 'The Vest,' whose persona Sports Illustrated has described as "Senatorial," immediately played the role of embattled patriarch--under fire, he claimed, for trying to protect his players. Apologies were missing and the coach's general attitude during press conferences was cagey, at best. Anyone capable of reading between the lines can see that Tressel only sought to protect his own reputation, not his players' integrity.

If Tressel had reported the violations, the perpetrators would have faced suspensions--likely the same sentences they are to serve in 2011--and would have been taught lessons in discipline and life; the sort of values a 'father' is supposed to teach. Instead, Tressel inculcated himself in the scandal. There is no adequate defense for this behavior. Apologists point to the absurdity of the NCAA's rules, but how are we taught to challenge unfairness and authority? Are responsible members of any society supposed to duck the rules and hide from repercussions? Accountability was not only missing at every level in Ohio State's program, it was institutionally discouraged by example.

Effects

For every Ryan Leaf and Braylon Edwards, there is a college football program unwilling to stand up to its players. The problem is systemic and goes beyond football. Coaches across college athletics openly violate NCAA regulations and endear themselves to players by triangulating with Clintonian-precision. They depict themselves as martyrs torn between oppressive NCAA rules and an immense love for their players; like Kelvin Sampson, for example, who, during the heat of investigations, saw himself as 'in the trenches' with his team What lesson are these coaches teaching their players? Only that the world is full of betrayal and false promises. What did Bruce Pearl's players inherit from their coach? A strong sense of disillusionment when the house of cards finally collapsed--similar to what Ohio State players must be feeling this week.

Herbstreit and others perpetuate and encourage the 'father figure' myth at the expense of hundreds of athletes. Jim Tressel sold out his 'children' by withholding information to save face. Jim Tressel "got caught up being loyal" to 'the vest,' not to his players. Herbstreit should understand that "taking care" of the players would have entailed being there for them when they shouldered responsibility for their actions. Tressel and dozens of other coaches deserve their fates because they are the 'deadbeat dads' of coaching--the coaches who mislead players and confuse love of team with love of self.

It's about accountability, Mr. Herbstreit. It appears you are not ready to be a father. Now fuck off.


Put it on the board, Hawk.


Thursday, June 2, 2011

A-Rod Is The Most Overrated Player In Baseball

A recent SI players poll posed the question of who is the most overrated player in baseball.  The answer: Alex Rodriguez.  A-Rod has long been criticized for his lack of production in clutch situations and his defense is less than stellar.  What is also interesting to note is almost all of the players come from the northeast, the media hype capital of the world.  The Yankees have five of the the 16 on the list and all but two of the 16 hail from the AL or NL East, though one, Alfonso Soriano, did earlier in his career.  The list in order:

1: Alex Rodriguez - Yankees
2. Joba Chamberlain - Yankees
3. Derek Jeter - Yankees
4. Jayson Werth - Nationals
5. Jonathon Papelbon - Red Sox
6. Nick Swisher - Yankees
7. BJ Upton - Rays
8. David Ortiz - Red Sox
9. AJ Burnett - Yankees
10. Manny Ramirez - Rays (Retired)
11. Carlos Beltran - Mets
12. Alfonso Soriano - Cubs
13. Evan Longoria - Rays
14. JD Drew - Red Sox
15. David Wright - Mets
16. Albert Pujols - Cardinals

Give Us Some Feedback



We've been plugging along here for almost three weeks now and have watched with excitement our views grow and the countries in which we've been viewed expand. Hell, we added Mongolia, UAE, and Saudi Arabia today!

That said, we do this just as much for your enjoyment as our own. We'd love to hear what else you want hear about, what you don't want to hear about, any input you may have for us. It'd be great to hear. Thanks!

Player Wives


Come on down, Carrie Underwood.

When I see this picture, her legs slightly agape, all I can think about is Carrie saddling me up and riding me til the sun comes up; then singing me a lullaby until I fall asleep.

I hate you, Mike Fisher.

Quote Of The Day

With the Big Aristotle retiring it is only fitting we turn to him for the quote of the day.  Actually, we turn to him for ten quotes of the day, each one of a reminder of how much we'll miss him in the NBA.


Embarrassing Story Wednesday - #fuckfail



Sorry for the lateness of this, we had a little group authorship confusion. I'll make up for this gem of pure #fuckfail.

A little back story. I met this girl on the day of my 20th birthday party at my mom's work and six hours later she was riding me as I was alternating between consciousness and blackout. We ended up doing that thing a couple of times later but this story would turn to be the last time.

One night, a couple of weeks after my birthday, a couple of friends and I were playing beer pong. I had been blowing her up all night and finally convinced her to let me come pick her up. She lived about a half hour away and be being 20, with only one thing on my mind and a couple of beers in me, decided the hour round trip was well worth it. After the trek up and back to where we were playing, the night went exactly as expected: drinking, touching, waiting to get back my friend's house where we were staying. After drinking more than is healthy and stopping to get hoagies we made it back to my friends house. He had the basement, a large finished basement, to himself complete with beds, sofa, etc. He turned the room over to me and our lucky lady friend with the one rule of "don't use the fucking bed". So, after a few awkward moments on the couch and a move to my friend's bed, it was on. What I remember for the rest of the night is some awkward sex and then waking up with just a t-shirt on and her sleeping next to me sans clothes. After the always uncomfortable waking her up because my friends and I were going to take her home (three of us were going to drop of papers at our college and her house was on the way) I asked what happened. She started giggling which is NEVER a good sign and went on to tell me I fell asleep mid-sex. On top of her. Inside of her. She then said she let me sleep because I looked really happy. We dropped her off and haven't seen her since.

Eyeopener - Shaq Retires, South Florida Buffets Quiver In Fear


A LOT happened yesterday in the world of sports so today's Eyeopener might be long enough, and boring enough, to be today's Eyecloser as well.  Let's get to it.

-Shaquille O'Neal, perhaps the most dominant force in basketball history on and off the court, has hung up his gigantic sneakers after 19 NBA seasons.  O'Neal's name will be all over the record book for years to come: 28,596 points (5th all-time), 13 seasons with at least 20 ppg and 10 rpg (most ever), grabbed 13,099 rebounds (13th all-time), won four NBA Championships, three NBA Finals MVP, one NBA MVP, 15 All-Star game appearances, won two scoring titles, was a three time All-Star game MVP, and made eight All-NBA first team.  That, coupled with the fact he moved like a 7'2" ballerina who broke backboards, makes him arguably the best center ever to play.

-With the news of Shaq's retirement came news that the Lakers will retire his number 34

-The NHL finals got off to an incredible start last night.  The Vancouver Canucks defeated the Boston Bruins 1-0 on a Raffi Torres goal with 18.5 seconds left.  The game was an extremely physical with monster checks and a lot of scrums after the whistle.  Boston outplayed Vancouver (watch the video) leading me to believe one of two things.  The first is the series is much more even than people predicted or Boston shot its load last night and is looking at running into a Canucks buzzsaw.



-The other big piece of news out of last night's game was Vancouver's Alex Burrow's apparent bite of Boston Patrice Bergeron's finger at the end of the first period.  The pair got into it along the end boards as the horn sounded and, as the official stepped between the two, Bergeron's finger appeared to go into Burrow's mouth which he then bit.  There is precedence of suspending a player if it is deemed he did actually bite Bergeron's finger so we'll have to wait on word from Toronto on what is league's next step.


-Terrelle Pryor's mother apparently bought his new-for-him-used-to-everyone-else 2007 Nissan 350Z but that doesn't change the fact the state of Ohio says he can't legally drive.

-Ricky Rubio is coming to America to look for his princess with Arsenio Hall play basketball with Kevin Love after two years of back and forth negotiations that left many believing Rubio and his eyebrows did not want to play hoops in Minnesota.  The timing is interesting because of Rubio having a very poor season in the Euroleague, averaging just 6.5 points, 3.2 boards, 3.5 assists, 1.6 steals, and shooting a lousy 39.2% from inside the arc and an atrocious 22.4% from deep.

-Apparently Lance Armstrong's doping test from the 2001 Tour de Suisse was deemed "suspicious" by the lab chief in the land of clocks and anonymous bank accounts. The lab director, Martial Saugy, went on to say the test results were "consistent with EPO use".  If true, it is one more piece of evidence mounting against Lance Armstrong's claim of riding clean.

-Dice-K is having Tommy John surgery, adding to a list of reasons of why he is not worth the $103 million the Red Sox paid to acquire him four years ago.  The Red Sox also were swept at then hands of the Other Sox yesterday 7-4 at Fenway.

-The Rockies were abysmal last month.  This month they're playing 1.000% ball and Ubaldo hasn't dropped a decision!

-Can someone help out the Phillies starters with some runs?  The Phils dropped a 2-1 decision to John "Lannen" which featured Laynce Nix doing it all from hitting go-ahead home runs to Superman-ing for a slicer in the gap to save two or three runs.

-Nick Swisher, someone whose existence bothers me to no end, hit a three run jack last night to put the Yankees up 4-2 and seal a sweep of the Oakland A's.  The good news for us Empire haters?  MLB is investigating A-Douche for contact with Yuri Sucart his cousin who is banned from contact with the Yankees by the team and MLB for being a drug runner and the man behind providing Rodriguez with PED.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

ESPN Got All Confusing On Us


This was the front page of ESPN Mobile's website the other day. There a lot of Zs, double consonants, and names we generally would not be able to pronounce.

Foul Ball > Daughter


Here is a gem of a video a reader sent into us.  Apparently catching a foul ball at a baseball game is more than not dropping your daughter.  You know in ten years she'll be sleeping with every guy in school, doing lines of blow at work, and be a walking Petri dish of disease ALL BECAUSE YOU DROPPED ME DADDY!  I FUCKING HATE YOU!

As The Crow Flies: The NHL's New Look Southeast Division

With the Atlanta Thrashers moving to Winnipeg for this coming season, the divisions will almost certainly realign... in 2012/13. That leaves the new the franchise to continue, at least for one season, to play in the Southeast Division, creating some interesting road trips.  For your humor we mapped out, as the crow flies (ie: a straight line) between the Thrashers new home in Winnipeg, the MTS Centre, and the other arenas in the Southeast.  Enjoy!

From the MTS Centre to the RBC Center in Raleigh, NC - Carolina Hurricanes

Total Distance: 1342.931

From the MTS Centre to the BankAtlantic Center in Sunrise, FL - Florida Panthers

Total Distance: 1870.327

From the MTS Centre to the St. Pete Times Forum in Tampa, FL - Tampa Bay Lightning

Total Distance: 1703.960

From the MTS Centre to the Verizon Center in Washington, DC - Washington Capitals

Total Distance: 1245.319

I Think I Hit A Gremlin

While driving home from work the other day on the Garden State Parkway I heard a loud thwap.  I looked up in time to see the blood trail work its way up my windshield.  I'm not fully sure what I hit but my guess right now is leaning towards a gremlin.  That is a lot of blood and the streak was about six inches from top to bottom.  The creepiest part was that hitting the wipers with windshield wiper fluid did nothing, not even smear it.  Nature is a fucked up thing.



Quote Of The Day

For today's quote we turn to Lawrence Taylor: snorter of cocaine, breaker of legs (see below), and solicitor of prostitutes.  When asked about his recent arrest for picking up an underage prostitute in New York, Lawrence stated, "I don't card them."  Fantastic.

Player Wives (NSFW)


Come on down, Laura Cover!

Aaron fucking Boone, you've had quite a life. You played for both the Yanks and Sox, hit a minor home run in some game 7, and have a sex piece of a wife who is a former Playmate (link is NSFW). She is unbelievable. Imagine her polishing your Pesky Pole on a nightly basis?

Eyeopener - Adieu, Thrashers!



-The Heat are going to win the NBA championship and Dan Gilbert is going end up eating his own words.  It has nothing to do with Miami's 92-84 win last night in game one of the NBA Finals.  It has nothing to do with the fact Dirk tore a tendon in his non-shooting hand.  Why I am crowning Miami's ass already is that Dallas has no one who knows how to get to the mountain top.  Many of their key guys have been to Finals (Kidd, Dirk, etc.) but none have ever won the title like DWade has.  Now, you may be saying, "Neither has LeBron or Bosh," and you'd be right.  And while I can't defend Bosh here, we can't forget how much LeBron carried Cleveland for years.  He knows how to win, whether we want him to or not.

-The Atlanta Thrashers are headed north to Winnipeg , Manitoba.  That's in Canada for the geographically challenged.  The city and people of Atlanta could not care less while the people of the north could not be more ecstatic.  Take a look at the two screen shots from this morning.  The top one is from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution's website, Atlanta's biggest newspaper.  The other is from the Winnipeg Free Press's website, Winnipeg's go-to birdcage liner.  Click the pictures to make them larger, if you must.  See a difference?

-Terrell Pryor's hot wheels are now where the NCAA is doing most of it's lookin'.  I have a feeling shit is going to get really messy.  I just hope Tressel's hair doesn't move.

-Cliff Lee fell to 4-5 with a pedestrian 3.94 ERA following a 10-2 loss to the Nationals in which Danny Espinosa took the Arkansas native yard twice.

-Go fuck yourself, Rockies.

-Poor RA Dickey.  The guy was magnificent, his knuckleball dancing in the wind, making batters look silly.  Then the eight inning came about and he lost it.  With two out in the frame, Dickey let three runs plate turning a 1-0 lead into a 3-1 hole.  The Mets would go on to lose 5-1.

-Curtis Granderson has to be on the juice.  There is NO other explanation.  Granderson knocked in four RBI, including a two run shot in the first, as the Empire romped the A's, 10-3.

-Gary Carter, one of the good guys in all of sport, was diagnosed with glioblastoma, inoperable malignant brain tumors.  Doctors are starting on the former Expo/Met/Giant/Dodger on a regiment of aggressive chemo and radiation therapy.  Good luck, Gary.

-With both the World Cup and the Summer Olympics (and hopefully the 2022 Winter Games!) creeping up on them, Brazil is looking to expand three of its biggest airports to accommodate the rush of people that will be flooding their country.  How easy is security at a Brazilian airport?  Doesn't everyone just where thongs and bikinis?  Is there anywhere to even hide a weapon?

-We'll start caring about the French Open shortly, once it's almost over.  Until then here are more adequate commentators on the sport previewing the Soderling/Nadal and Federer/Djokovic semis.

A Little Midweek Stimulation

Rise and grind, motherfuckers.

It's that day again, the one where we're standing in the middle of the proverbial forest, no longer entering or exiting.  The saving grace is that for many of us, Monday was a day off.  No matter.  Tradition is tradition.  If the beginning of the song doesn't wake your ass up, nothing will.  Lessssgoooo.