This is definitely one of the more disgusting stories that will be posted here for That Guy!'s Embarrassing Story Wednesday. As always, every bit of this is true, no matter how much you may not belief it is or how much we wish it wasn't. Without anymore delay, I present to you this week's tale of woe.
A couple of summers ago, on the way back from a vacation with my then-girlfriend's family to the Outer Banks in North Carolina, her and I stopped in Norfolk, Virginia on our way back to Jersey. I had been to Norfolk a couple of times before and each time I enjoyed myself. This time would turn out to be different. We left North Carolina early that morning, a Saturday in late August, and were in Norfolk by 8:30AM. The entire city was quiet which was both fortunate and odd. I parked my car in a local parking garage not too far from the USS Wisconsin, a battleship-turned-museum docked in Norfolk. We proceeded to walk around the harbor area, looking at the boats, the Wisconsin, and the general beauty of the waterfront. As we walked around the Wisconsin, I felt my stomach gurgle. Nothing of concerned but definitely needed to find a bathroom before we grabbed breakfast. Within minutes though the gurgle had turned into an incessant rumble and boiling feces that let me know quickly I needed to evacuate my stomach before it did on its own terms. I told my girlfriend that I needed to get to a bathroom now and began to walk from the Wisconsin towards the buildings that make up downtown Norfolk. I found on my phone there was a Starbucks within a mile of where we were and we made a beeline for it. The first right, the second left. That's all the stood between and me and safety/relief. It wasn't long after we made the right turn that the horror of realizing I wasn't going to make it set in. My steps became shorter and softer and as my girlfriend walked ahead of me I began to look for options. It was zero hour. I cannot tell you how lucky I was this was a Saturday morning and not a weekday for I surely would have been arrested. Without a thought I dropped my boardshorts, stepped into a tiny alcove for the front door of an office building and quickly announced, "I'm not going to make it." As my girlfriend turned around she saw three things: a man with his shorts and boxers around his knees; a massive, explosive stream of brown, runny shit; and a look on my face she would later describe as one of, "pure relief and shame". It came in two massive explosions that painted the alcove and the sidewalk in shades reserved for 1970's carpeting. I finished my deed, feeling like a million dollars, but a total mess. I had no options to wipe with, nothing to clean myself with. The only choice was to pull up my shorts and trek the remaining handful of blocks to the original goal of Starbucks. We arrived, and then I spent the next 15 minutes trying to properly clean myself up and dispose of my boxers, all things I never imagined I would be doing on a family vacation. As I emerged to my girlfriend staring at me with a look I can't quiet put my finger on, the only thing I could manage was, "My ass is clean, but my self-esteem isn't".
We then ate breakfast.
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