There's Nothing Worse Than Your Mom Telling You To Stop Boning So Loudly

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Shantericca Madden: Confession Of A Killer

The New York Times really does bring some amazing stuff to the table.  A feature on their website today covers, in impressive breadth and scope, the March 3, 2011 murder of Middle Tennessee State University women's basketball player Tina Stewart by her roommate Shanterrica Madden.  The first piece is a telling of both women's stories using firsthand accounts of those who know them best, close friends and relatives.  Alongside that is a 40 minute video of Madden's confession to murdering her roommate during her police interrogation.  The Times does an excellent as always, providing a transcript that runs in real-time with the video as well as an interactive time bar that allows you to jump through the video to what you want to see, each section labeled.  It's powerful stuff, a strong reminder sports is not life, just merely an aspect of it.

Player Wives

Come on down, Kelly Bartlett!

Jason Bartlett, you deserve this. Playing for the Rays can be tough; two thousand fans coming to watch a playoff game can be hard on any man. But being able to come home to a dime like that must make things better.

Here's to you, Jason.

Quote Of The Day

We give you a quote fitting for the day, a reminder of just why you drank a couple gallons of brew, a couple pints of tequila, and the mysterious liquid that was in the bottom of the cooler because, "I totally saw some spill some Stoli in there." So, as you battle your hangover, watch your hands shake as you detox, and perspire sweat that is 40 proof, read this. It's a quote that combines love of nation for love of alcohol from a man who was known to love the women, Ben Franklin. (The quote is, in fact, out of context. Here is the full quote. Fuck it. We like it.)

"Beer if proof God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Eyeopener - We're Back!

We're back, bitches! Shitty weekends at work finished? Check. Livers drowned? Check. Colons plastered full of barbecued food? Check. Let's get back at this shit. The video is NSFW but whatever, you'll watch it anyway.

-Not going to rehash the past (too much) but it was a crazy weekend in sports:

JR Hildebrand can only successfully make 799 out of 800 left hand turns.

Dale Jr. needed about 1500 more feet worth of fuel.

Jim Tressel's sweater vest is not made of Kevlar but merely a cotton-poly blend.

Jo-Jo's Got Mojo!

In An All ACC Final In Men's Lax, Terps Win Crown.

Barca > ManU

Sepp Blatter is the Saddam Hussein of sports.

Bartolo Colon is doing steroids.

The Rockies are the 8-20 in May.

John Danks stanks, is a sore loser.

Here's The Video Of Chad Knaus F-Bombing

With only a handful of laps left in the marathon that is the Coca-Cola 600, Jimmie Johnson's engine let go.  Fox cut to Johnson's car and radio just in time to hear crew chief Chad Knaus vent his frustration.
(You might need to turn up the volume, it is a little quiet.)

Liquor Store Regular

You have recently switched from a "six of that tea that I drink" (Mike's Hard Tea, the manliest of malt beverages) and moved to a two six packs of Coors Light nips a night. I still can't tell if this a positive or not. What I can tell you is that your pierced chin/lip area is disgusting, as is the shitty soulpatch you have growing around it. Did I mention I dislike you and shake up your beer every chance I get?

Player Wives

Come on down, Anna Benson!

I remember when Anna made headlines when she said that she would sleep with everyone on the Mets if Kris cheated on her. I'm still not sure how that happened or if it did, if it would qualify as the great moment in Mets' history. If I were on that team I would've been lining Kris's locker with fake pictures and phone numbers and sent a steady stream of hookers to his hotel room on the road. Ultimately, like all seasons in Queens, it was a disappointing one when she didn't. She also promised threeways if that's what her husband wanted. My goodness, what a stand up gal.

Badminton Gets Sexy

The Badminton World Federation would be happy if all players dressed (and looked) like her, Danish born player Camilla Martin. he New York Times ran a piece this morning on a dress code being implemented on female badminton players by the BWF. The rule, which is being criticized roundly, would require female players to dress in shorts or skirts while playing in an attempt to create a more "attractive appearance". The criticism is pretty far-reaching and firmly based and is being, "criticized as sexist, a hindrance to performance and offensive to Muslim women who play the sport in large numbers in Asian countries". Well, yeah. The Times article has links to both the rule's press release and diagram of the short/skirt rules, or you could just follow ours.

One Time! An Ode To The Mad Dog, Chris Russo

As a young sports fan along the Jersey Shore, I am graced with both the New York City and Philadelphia media markets. The ability to watch Yankees, Mets and Phillies games all at once without having to sign my soul over to MLB.TV is a blessing. However, the ratio for Philly fans to some combination of New York sports fan has to be close to 30:1, if not 50:1. The constant yapping I’ve heard from the late 90’s Yankee dynasty to the Devils’ three (Fucking three? Really? Thank you, left wing lock.) to the Giants winning a Super Bowl on the biggest bullshit play ever is daunting. The natural course of action for someone who likes teams from a city that has won one championship since my birth would be to keep as far away from sports banter as humanly possible. But thanks to one man, it was not only easier to stand up to New York bias bullshit, it was fun. Thank you, Mad Dog Chris Russo.

As a teenager, Mike and the Mad Dog made my after school afternoons. So what if I refused to play sports or hangout with my girlfriend? I just wanted to listen to Mike and Dog argue the day’s topics. Mad Dog always knew how to tweak not only his partner, but every New York sports fan. From starting the show with “Meet the Mets” after each Mets’ loss down the stretch of their epic 2007 collapse to calling out the Yankee’s obscene payroll after every win versus the former Devil Rays, Mad Dog knew how to bring it.

And of course who could forget this, the rant that made every small market, bad luck baseball fan stand up and applaud Mad Dog all the while asking their friends if trading family members for world championships is a cause for concern or not.

Now Mad Dog has brought his “style” to Sirius-XM radio. As an avid listener to his station I have to say I am torn with the results. On the one hand, I am disappointed that Mad Dog and Mike Francesa broke up their partnership. He was definitely the ying to his yang. Without having someone in studio to rip apart for six hours, Mad Dog is left to rely on terrible callers. However, the station is so desperate for callers that Dog often restrains himself from being overly combative in an effort to keep the person from never calling again. Also, being forced to talk about national sports topics, there isn't the chance to get in depth with particular stories or teams. (Or as I like to call it, Mike and Mike in the Morning Syndrome.) Despite these shortcomings I am happy that I still have the opportunity to listen to him on my commute home from the office every afternoon, whereas if he took a job on the radio in Nashville I would not.

Mad Dog may be a watered down version of what he once was, but Dog at 75% is still way better than most. He still makes me feel like a teenager again, sitting outside on a summer afternoon telling my friends how pathetic they are for not knowing who the Yankees’ starting right fielder is. And for that, I will be forever grateful.

Quote Of The Day

Tug McGraw, winner of two World Series rings but more importantly father of Tim McGraw, was a character to say the least.  That said, his response when asked if he preferred Astroturf or natural grass should not be all that shocking:

"I dunno.  I never smoked any Astroturf."

Eyeopener - The Heimlich And A Door Prize For Chicago

-Sweet Jesus, Chicago.  Did Russell Westbrook give you a pep talk in a late huddle and tell you how to close out games?  You were the second-to-last line of between LeBronalypse and you failed us.  You lost 83-80, blew a 12 point lead, and your superstar went MIA in the fourth quarter again?  Thanks for nothing.  Your consolation prize is at the door.  (It's a steaming pile of shit, like the one you laid last night.)

-Buster Posey, he of the vicious collision yesterday, will likely be out for the rest of the season.  Posey suffered a broken leg and ligament damage in his ankle that will require surgery.  While the play at the plate was a clean play, some have questioned the necessity of the play itself or if the rule should be changed.  We here at That Guy! belief the play was not only clean play but a part of baseball that should remain.  Just like takeout slides and throwing at batters, it is a physical part of the game that has its place and should remain.  And how did the Giants do without young Buster?   They lost 1-0 to the Fish.

-Did MLB institute the mercy rule we all encountered at least once in Little League?  The BoSox romped on the Tigers 14-1 in a run rain-shortened 8 inning affair.  Carl Crawford joined Yaz and the Splendid Splinter as the only Boston left fielder since 1940 to record four hits and in two triples in the same game.

-If any of the four major North American sports had the problems FIFA has, we as a continent would flip our shit.  Current FIFA president Sepp Blatter had a bribery investigation opened up against him yesterday after Mohamed bin Hammam accused Blatter knew of payments bin Hammam had given out; payments that FIFA is investigating as bribery.  The topper?  Bin Hammam and Blatter face of in an election next week for FIFA's presidency.

-Digital Roy Halladay is just as good as flesh and bones Roy Halladay.  Brian Kingrey, a 25 year old music teacher in Louisiana, was the first to pitch a perfect game in 2K11's perfect game challenge.  Halladay sat down 27 straight 'Stros to earn Kingrey a very large check for a million dollars.  He will now also get the chance to pitch against the real Astros and has approximately the same chance at pitching a perfect game against them.

The Curious Case Of Jo-Jo Reyes

To put Jo-Jo Reyes’ winless streak into perspective, a certain utility player for the Phillies has 127 2/3IP less than Jo-Jo and one more victory. My reasoning for writing this article is not to waste a minute or so out of everyone’s life to tell you that Jo-Jo Reyes is bad, we all know that. The truth is though he, when placed in the context of history, is not THAT bad. Certainly not bad enough to hold one of the three longest losing streaks in baseball history for a starting pitcher.

The last pitcher to make 28 consecutive starts without recording a W was Matt Keough of Oakland A’s fame (with through compliments around liberally here at That Guy!). Matt Keough went 2-17 in 1979, his sophomore season in the big leagues, surely killing many fantasy teams that year. However, Keough was named to the All-Star Team in his rookie season for the 1978 Athletics, recording an ERA of 3.24 that belied his 8-15 won-loss record. He also went on to have a respectable career, even playing for the Yankees in the 1980’s, so you know he had to be good.

What Jo-Jo, and to a better extent Keough represent, is the fact that wins is the most overrated stat for a pitcher. Jo-Jo has a 4.70 ERA this year and in the AL East that’s really not that bad at all. He is notorious for giving up 1^st and 2^nd inning runs (see Meyers, Brett for similar examples) which can demoralize an offense when they haven’t even spit out their first batch of sunflower seeds to see themselves down 5-0 (See yesterday’s box score). He has also pitched some great games with Atlanta and Toronto during this losing streak In his May 20^th start against Houston he hurled 7 innings of shutout ball got zero run support.

We know that W’s are overrated thanks to Kings Felix’s Cy Young Trophy. Jo-Jo Reyes just shows us the same thing by being as far away from a Cy Young as a starter as humanly possible.

Tia Norfleet And NASCAR's Color Barrier

The Sporting News ran an article this week on budding NASCAR driver Tia Norfleet, former Cup driver Bobby Norfleet's daughter. What makes her different than most drivers is not that she's a woman but that she is also an African-American. As she works her way through the feeder systems of NASCAR, Tia is breaking down barriers every step of the way, helping to integrate a sport whose roots lie in the Jim Crow South.

It is important to NASCAR both financially, and much more significantly culturally, to be bring down the gender and race barriers. The social need is clear. NASCAR has long had a history checkered with racial and gender inequality and insensitivity. Some of that still remains as exemplified by Mauricia Grant's 2008, $225M lawsuit claiming discrimination and harassment. NASCAR continues however to push forward, seemingly whole-heartedly and genuinely, to integrate the sport. NASCAR's Drive for Diversity programs helps to fund and promote potential stars in the world of stock car who make up a minority in the world of racing, usually African-Americans and women.

The financial ramifications are tremendous as well. With the current recession still hampering the American pocketbook discretionary spending is down. NASCAR weekends can be an expensive endeavor: ticket prices can run into the hundreds of dollars for a seat, parking, hotel or lodging, food, fuel, and the potential for lost income from taking a couple of days off from work. Many tracks are reporting significant dips in attendance which hurts not just the tracks but sponsors and the communities surrounding the track, some of which exist solely due to the venue. By expanding into the African-American market NASCAR would be opening a potentially significantly large revenue stream that is sorely needed in NASCAR. With the sport moving into the mainstream and out of the backwoods there is no better time or opportunity.

Player Wives

Come on down, Adriana Lima!

Somehow a man whose eyes are so close together he's indistinguishable from a cyclops lands Adriana Lima. It's amazing. The man cannot keep a job in the NBA but somehow keeps this Brazilian beauty with him. I'm blown the fuck away. Well done, sir.

Quote Of The Day

I'm a man!  I'm 40!

Eyeopener - OKC Collects Their Door Prize, Phils/Reds Still Playing

-The Oklahoma City Thunder simply can't hold leads. In a sport where having more points than the other team is a necessity, that's a bad thing. The Dallas Mavericks are back in the NBA Finals after coming from behind and beating OKC 100-96 to take the Western Conference Finals 4-1. KD and Co. can pick up their parting gifts at the door.

-The the Boston Bruins will be headed to a game seven of the Eastern Conference Finals. Thankfully for them the Flyers aren't the opponent. Tampa Bay put a Lincoln on the board to the Boston's two Jeffersons to send the series back to Boston. Check out Days Of Y'Orr for completely biased coverage that does the series more justice than I can. (I'm still holding my Jorge De La Rosa candlelight vigil. Details to follow.)

-As the guys over at Deadspin asked, after the Phillies/Reds marathon last night, the big question is who falls asleep during today's 1:05 start game, Dusty or Charlie? The two teams played for just over six hours, which in baseball terms is 19 innings, or in Rich Dubee terms exactly 600 pitches, 220 of them by Roy Halladay. (Our stat guys are checking that one out.)

-Buster Posey was injured in the Giants 12 inning, 7-6 loss to the Marlins as the reigning Rookie of the Year catcher tried to block home plate. The collision was a clean one if not extremely vicious.

Both players, Posey and Florida's Scott Cousins, deserve praise for playing baseball all out. I'm sure somewhere Pete Rose has this play DVR'd and is furiously masturbating to it as he rewinds it over and over again.

-Mike Brown is officially the new head coach of the Los Angeles Lakers. Kobe had no comment but the California media sure did, blasting the hire already. No verification if it's true that Brown's office door will be titled with "Brian Shaw's Seat Warmer".

-The Wilpons have a sold a non-controlling stake in the New York Mets but not SNY for approximately 200 million dollars to Greenlight Capital's David Einhorn. It's been a busier week for the Wilpons with Jeffrey Toobin's The New Yorker bio on Fred Wilpon, which featured some interesting quotes from Wilpon on his team and players, followed by Wilpon's inevitable apology.

-Bob Huggins has a soulmate. West Virginia football's current offensive coordinator and head-coach-in-waiting Dana Holgorsen was removed from a West Virginia casino after becoming "uncooperative" with security. No truth to the rumor that Huggy Bear sent Dana a congratulatory/welcome to the club bottle of Ketel One.

That Guy! Goes To Facebook

We have our Twitter (@that_guy_sports) and now we have a Facebook fan page!  Either search for us on Facebook (That Guy!) or follow our link here.  Thanks for all the love and support while we get going, we hope you're enjoying our work.

Pooping My Pants In Norfolk

This is definitely one of the more disgusting stories that will be posted here for That Guy!'s Embarrassing Story Wednesday.  As always, every bit of this is true, no matter how much you may not belief it is or how much we wish it wasn't.  Without anymore delay, I present to you this week's tale of woe.

A couple of summers ago, on the way back from a vacation with my then-girlfriend's family to the Outer Banks in North Carolina, her and I stopped in Norfolk, Virginia on our way back to Jersey.  I had been to Norfolk a couple of times before and each time I enjoyed myself.  This time would turn out to be different.  We left North Carolina early that morning, a Saturday in late August, and were in Norfolk by 8:30AM.  The entire city was quiet which was both fortunate and odd.  I parked my car in a local parking garage not too far from the USS Wisconsin, a battleship-turned-museum docked in Norfolk.  We proceeded to walk around the harbor area, looking at the boats, the Wisconsin, and the general beauty of the waterfront.  As we walked around the Wisconsin, I felt my stomach gurgle.  Nothing of concerned but definitely needed to find a bathroom before we grabbed breakfast.  Within minutes though the gurgle had turned into an incessant rumble and boiling feces that let me know quickly I needed to evacuate my stomach before it did on its own terms.  I told my girlfriend that I needed to get to a bathroom now and began to walk from the Wisconsin towards the buildings that make up downtown Norfolk.  I found on my phone there was a Starbucks within a mile of where we were and we made a beeline for it.  The first right, the second left.  That's all the stood between and me and safety/relief.  It wasn't long after we made the right turn that the horror of realizing I wasn't going to make it set in.  My steps became shorter and softer and as my girlfriend walked ahead of me I began to look for options.  It was zero hour.  I cannot tell you how lucky I was this was a Saturday morning and not a weekday for I surely would have been arrested.  Without a thought I dropped my boardshorts, stepped into a tiny alcove for the front door of an office building and quickly announced, "I'm not going to make it."  As my girlfriend turned around she saw three things: a man with his shorts and boxers around his knees; a massive, explosive stream of brown, runny shit; and a look on my face she would later describe as one of, "pure relief and shame".  It came in two massive explosions that painted the alcove and the sidewalk in shades reserved for 1970's carpeting.  I finished my deed, feeling like a million dollars, but a total mess.  I had no options to wipe with, nothing to clean myself with.  The only choice was to pull up my shorts and trek the remaining handful of blocks to the original goal of Starbucks.  We arrived, and then I spent the next 15 minutes trying to properly clean myself up and dispose of my boxers, all things I never imagined I would be doing on a family vacation.  As I emerged to my girlfriend staring at me with a look I can't quiet put my finger on, the only thing I could manage was, "My ass is clean, but my self-esteem isn't".

We then ate breakfast.

Player Wives

Come on down, Emily Kuchar!

Emily who?  Maybe we should of announced her with her official title.

Come on down, Miss Daytona Beach 2008!

No, still not ringing a bell?  We'll try one more time.

Come on down, Mrs. Zach Greinke!

There we go.  Much better.  Once again our athlete rider has her own website and a body that we'd fight a caged tiger while wearing a suit of steak to fuck.  Zach may live in Milwaukee and be slightly off kilter but if those two things added up to her, you could sign us up for weekly therapy and a fitting for a Cheesehead.

Barry Bonds Does Something Genuinely Nice

Barry Bonds, former baseball player who did somethings of importance*, did something truly nice.  After visiting with beaten Giants fan Bryan Stow while in the hospital and leaving an autographed bat for his children, Bonds donated money to the Stow family to pay for the childrens' education.  Good on Barry.

Quote Of The Day

Carl Everett, former MLB player and current assaulter, had this gem of a quote regarding our friends the dinosaurs.   
"God created the sun, the stars, the heavens and the earth, and then made Adam and Eve. The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Someone actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex."

Eyeopener - Work Is Dicking Us Over, San Jose Gets Its Consolation Prize

Work is being a whore with a sloppy vag today so the Eyeopener is going to be not as extensive as usual and the Wednesday Embarrassing Story will be up around 3 today.  The good news?  It's a story of the highest quality?  The bad news?  We may not have as much up today but dammit, we'll try.  On with the show!

-Fucking LeBron.  El Heat took control of the series last night with a 101-93 win in overtime.  Chicago, much like OKC the night before, had a chance to win the game on the final possession.  And, also very much like OKC, got a look one could only describe as "shitactular".  You have to love when a team of multi-millionaires can't execute a basic last shot play.

-Sharks, come get your parting gift!  The Vancouver Canucks moved onto the Stanley Cup Finals for the first time since 1994 with a double overtime 3-2 win.  Vancouver tied the game with 13.2 seconds left with an extra attacker then won it two periods later when defenseman Kevin Bieksa got what described as, "probably the ugliest goal of my career, but the biggest," to light the lamp.  San Jose is turning into the Cubs of hockey: perpetual disappointment.

-Is everyone on the juice again?  Carlos Quentin launched three homers, the fifth player to do so this year, as the ChiSox beat the Rangers and large hail, 8-6.  (The "large hail" link has video of the hail.)

-Coors Field turned into a legitimate house of pain yesterday.  First, Rockies almost-ace Jorge De La Rosa suffered a complete tear of his ulnar collateral ligament in the first game of a doubleheader which the Rox and DBacks split.  The injury will require a Tommy John-style surgery which will sideline DLR for a year.  Even more tragically, in the seventh inning of the same game, a 27 year old fan fell 20 feet off a stairwell leading to the centerfield seats.  The fan is currently in critical condition.  Both need to get well soon.

-Mike Brown was offered the keys to the Lakermobile in the wake of Phil Jackson's departure.  The question is, without LeBron James to co-pilot it, will he crash it into the tar pits?

A Little Midweek Stimulation

Rise and shine, motherfuckers.

It's Wednesday so it's time for us over here at That Guy! to give you a pick me up.  Hump Day sucks not just because we're so far from a weekend but because there is so little humping involved.  What doesn't suck?  This song.  Lessssgoooo!

This Is Why We Love Arkansas

This is glorious, and also our second Star Wars reference of the day on the blog.  We got beat up a lot as kids.  This intergalactic food station can be found in Fayetteville, Arkansas preparing "gourmet grilled cheese sandwiches/homemade soups".  What does gourmet in Arkansas consist of, Velveeta?

NY Times Uses Pretty Graphics To Explain Soccer, Messi

The New York Times has a great multimedia presentation showing graphics and videos of each of Messi's Champions League goals.  Granted I know little of this sport they call soccer (or FOOTball) but I can appreciate someone being as masterful at their craft as Messi is, screaming Spaniards and all.

We Live In A Weird World (And With People Who Like To Give The Bird)

Yahoo! ran an article a couple of days ago about the website 9-Eyes, a site run by Jon Rafman who sifts through Google Maps with Street View to find the best of the best oddball stuff.  There is some fantastic finds over there, enough to kill a couple hours.  Above is one of our favorites, and if the street name is in fact Russian, I'm glad to see our stereotypes weren't all that misplaced.

Quote Of The Day

Dennis Green may or may not be the worst manager of game time ever.  He also may be the star of an all-time great recorded meltdown.  He is who we thought he was!

Player Wives

Come on down, Ashley Eckstein!

Damn Dave, you're the god damn American hero, aren't you?  "Underdog baseball player makes majors and gets a dime piece of a wife", is more or less how many of us would want to sum up our lives.  But she's not just basking in the Ecks-Factor limelight.  She has her own damn website too: www.ashleyeckstein.com

Eyeopener - The Last German This Cold-Blooded...

 

-The young Oklahoma City Thunder lost James Harden last night when he picked up his sixth foul, OKC staked to a 15 point lead with five and a half minutes left in the contest.  The Thunder then lost control of their bowels, shit themselves, coughed up the lead, and lost in overtime to 112-105 in one of the most staggering playoff collapses in recent memory.  Dirk was so good he was “a joke”, according to Jeff Van Gundy as he repeatedly gushed about the big German.  I would have been too, except I’m a Sonics/Thunder fan.

-Tim Thomas, net minder for the Boston Bruins, guaranteed a series victory over Tampa Bay.  Last night he made good on that prediction, allowing only one goal as the Bruins came within one game of the ultimate achievement: hoisting the Prince of Wales Trophy.  The 3-1 Boston win featured a Tim Thomas save that was mind-bogglingly impressive, one that reassures you that EA Sports hates your soul and will have you lose at any cost.

-Guess who WASN’T on my fantasy bench last night?  Corey Hart!  That’s right!  The man just went all Giambi-like last night, drilling three bombs(hells?) and seven RBIs in an 11-3 Milwaukee win over the Nationals.  There is only one acceptable way to celebrate this:

 

-The Mariners aren’t terrible!  Their sixth straight win came after scoring two in the eighth and one in the ninth to tie the game before getting another in the top half of the ten to best the hapless Twins.  The Twins are now 15-31 and just 4-12 at home.  Yikes.

-Chase Utley came back for the offensively-challenged Phillies who promptly scored 10 runs, seven of them in the third inning as the Phils rolled to a 10-3 win over the visiting Cincinnati Reds.  Todd Frazier did get a chance at the plate last night in his romp of a Major League debut, only to strikeout on four pitches.  Welcome to the bigs, kid!

-A battle of the sharks in Class-A game went really long last night and featured player names that would put any video game name generator to shame.  Hammerheads > Threshers.

-When your basketball coach leaves your Big 11 school to go to the Naval Academy, and David Robinson isn’t on the team, something is desperately wrong.  Ed DeChellis left Penn State yesterday to go coach in Annapolis, leaving Penn State sans coach going into one of the most critical times of the year for college hoops.  Maybe instead of paying the puppeteer and makeup artist to make it look like JoePa is still alive, they should have been diverting some of the money into the basketball program.

I Think I Like Fred Wilpon

The New York media, always known for their level-headed and fair reporting, will have a field day with only a handful of the quotes in Jeffrey Toobin's feature on Fred Wilpon.  Specifically, the quotes where Wilpon criticizes some of his players.

On Jose Reyes:
“He thinks he’s going to get Carl Crawford money. He’s had everything wrong with him. He won’t get it.”

On David Wright:
“A really good kid. A very good player. Not a superstar.”

On Carlos Beltran, and himself:
"We had some dummy in New York, Wilpon says, referring to himself, 'who paid him based on that one series. He’s 65 to 70 percent of what he was.'"

But what is most powerful about the piece is that Wilpon comes off as extremely likable, a guy who cares a lot about his team and its success.  Someone who is pained with the teams struggles, and his own.  The piece is magnificent and well-worth the time to read it.

Todd Frazier Makes The Show

Todd Frazier, former Little League hero, Rutgers superstar, and someone who holds many connections to this blog's writers, got the call today.  The Cincinnati Reds Blog broke the story, citing CAA's Twitter feed, the sports agency that represents Frazier.  We wish him the best tonight as he makes his MLB debut against the Philadelphia Phillies tonight.  He is clearly the most important roster addition to either squad tonight.

Down Goes Poulter! Down Goes Poulter!

Ian Poulter made some money yesterday by winning the World Match Play Championship in Caseras, Spain yesterday 2-1 over Luke Donald.  His check for 1.14 million dollars is large and probably not cash-able at your friendly, local payday advance store.  On his way to claiming a comically huge check with lots of zeroes and commas, Poulter took a tumble while making a shot off a hill.  Thankfully someone got video of it so we all may watch and laugh at his misfortune, then get pissed because he did just win 1.14 million.  That is approximately 1.1399 million more than I have in my checking account.

Player Wives

Come on down, Karen Burnett!

AJ, New York Yankee batting practice pitcher and general piece of white trash, may not be able to throw a strike (thankfully) but he sure got this one right. There was even a rumor going around that Karen was a former stripper which if true, makes me even more of an AJ fan than I am now, though that isn't saying all that much.

We're Gussying Ourselves Up

We're putting on our finery for you guys.  At some point our banner will go from boring old text to a pretty graphic thanks a talented friend.  We hope you think we look nice.

Danica Patrick Had A Bad Day Yesterday

Danica Patrick, model-turned-race-car-driver (we got that right, right?), had a bad day in Indianapolis yesterday.  Patrick nearly caused a lot of problems for the officials of the Izod Indy Car Series by not qualifying for Sunday's Indianapolis 500.  We'll sum it up in a neat and orderly fashion, but follow the link for the full run down.

-She was slow on Saturday during practice.
-Sunday morning she was second fastest in morning practice assuring her the second spot in the qualifying order.
-She failed post-practice inspection meaning she would go to the back of the line to qualify.
-Rain nearly washed out the end of qualifying which would have left Danica out of the 500.
-Danica eventually did qualify, which you can watch below, ending up with the 26th starting spot.

Quote Of The Day

For today's quote, we turn towards fat man and general blowhard Tommy Lasorda. Here is a man who loves nothing more to hear his own voice and to score a Vegas buffet special all at the same time. The quote?

"The only way I'd worry about the weather is if it snows on our side of the field and not on theirs."

Here's Joakim Noah Being Mean

Joakim Noah scored a single point last night.  He also committed a couple of quick fouls.  After picking up his second foul midway through the first period, Noah went back to bench, greeted by hecklers.  He then said a Kobe-esque bad word.  Here's the video.

Eyeopener - Sorry We Have A Drinking Problem

Sorry about the lack of postings, we spent the weekend working but mainly bringing ourselves that much closer to pulling a Mickey Mantle and getting a blowjob in Yankee Stadium needing a liver transplant.  We'll make up for it today.  Anyway, let’s do this.

-Joakim Noah thinks you’re a (insert sexual slur here).  He also can’t guard Chris Bosh as the third wheel in Miami love duo made Noah look like the famous Yi workout chair.  Bosh went off scoring 34 points in Miami's 96-85 win in Miami. For shits and giggles, here is Will Smith.

-Vancouver scored three straight 5 on 3 goals last night to beat San Jose, taking a 3-1 series lead in the process.  San Jose is once again edging closer to another season of being the bridesmaid in the Western Conference but more importantly, that much closer to receiving the That Guy! consolation prize on their way out.

-Scumbag Giovanni Ramirez was caught yesterday in a police raid on his Los Angeles apartment.  Ramirez is the primary suspect in the beating of Giants fan Bryan Stow who remains in the hospital.  Rumors are swirling that Ramirez is a member of the one of the street gangs that claim his Los Angeles neighborhood of Rampart as part of their territory.  Two other suspects remain at large.

-More people keep piling on Lance Armstrong and Lance is getting pissed.

-The Phils are about to get a sudden surge of offense in their lineup as Chase Utley returns today to make his season debut.  The Phillies have been atrocious offensively, including dropping a 2-0 decision to Texas after  mustering just five hits.  However thanks to their plethora of arms, they remain atop the NL East.

-David Price sat on my fantasy bench yesterday after I forgot to set my line up.  He then dealt a three hit, complete game gem replete with 13 Ks as Tampa Bay beat Florida 4-0.  I will now slam my dick in a door.

-Hey, you know who else sat on my bench?  Alexei Ramirez, who went 4-5 with a homer, five RBIs, and scored two runs as the Sox of Chicago beat the Dodgers 8-3.  I will now slam both nuts in a door.

-The luckiest man on earth right now is Ivan Nova who put a lot of traffic on and only gave up three runs.  Then the 7th inning rolled up and the Yankees went ham on the Mets, throwing up a snowman to take 2 of 3 from their cross-river rivals in a 9-3 win.

-This is the face of "multiple facial fractures".

Cubs center fielder Marlon Byrd is on the 15 day DL after taking a heater to the cheek in Saturday night's win over the BoSox.  The Red Sox would turn around and take last night's contest 5-1 on the strength of Adrian Gonzalez's bat and Tim Wakefields knuckler.  Adrian did not sit on my fantasy bench last night.

Quote Of The Day

Practice?  You guys coming here on a Sunday for practice?  If you don't practice reading, you can't read this post about practice.  Practice, practice, PRACTICE!

Quote Of The Day

This quote of the day is NSFW.  That said, it is great not only for the bouncing pecs and body oil but for Booker T's reaction when we realizes what he just said.  Remember, kids.  Wrestling is just acting so when someone goes off script and says something offensive to real people, it can be a big deal.

This Is The Face Of All That Will Haunt Me

Inglorious Basterds, Tarantino's World War II epic(?) features a scene in which a cinema full of Nazis is burnt to the ground, the mocking face of a Jewish girl who survived her family's massacre laughing as they roast to death. (Pro Tip: For the juiciest, most flavorful Nazi roasts, cook at a low heat, turning every fifteen minutes.) That face represented death.

As a Rockies fan, the face below has come to represent everything scary and horrible in the world of baseball.

That is the face of Felipe Paulino, the world's greatest batting practice pitcher and a disgrace to my high school basketball number. Last night he jogged out to the mound in the bottom of the 14th, three out standing between the Rockies and victory. Paulino recorded one out, walked Ryan Braun, and then served a fastball to Prince Fielder that is currently in low earth orbit and threatening the space shuttle Endeavor, to lose again. Now that isn't the whole picture. The Rockies coughed up six leads over 14 innings, and the offense without Carlos Gonzalez or Todd Helton in the line up produced enough runs to win in another sign the offense is getting back to where it was. But the fact remains that Felipe Paulino is a disgrace to the black and purple of the Rockies. With Franklin Morales traded to Boston the day before, Paulino was the sole focus of distress and distrust for Rockies fans. And on Friday night, he did not disappoint. Since May 1, the start of the month which has seen Colorado flounder to a 6-12 record, Paulino is 0-4 with one blown save, including drawing three loses in three straight appearances in one week, two of them to division rival San Francisco. On the year, his numbers are a conglomeration of crooked numbers: four loses, 23 hits and 12 earned runs in 14.1 IPs, sevens walks to 14 Ks, an ERA of 7.36, and a WHIP of 2.05. Wow.

So as Prince's walk off home run sailed in the night in Milwaukee and Paulino trudged off the mound a loser for the fourth time, anyone who knows the Rockies had one thought, "That is the last pitch he will ever throw as a Rockie."

Let's hope we're right.

Revenge Of The English Major... And The End Of The World

This man--curly hair and Williamsburg beard included--just floated a gem against the Yankees.  He's studied narratives, he knows all about literary theory and reader response, and his knuckler just scored one for the Mets in the subway series.  Let's deviate from the R.A. Dickey-an prose and study some statistics:

Mets in May: 11-6
Yanks in May: 8-11 

Now the narrative:

The Yankees are a dinosaur stuck in the mud.  When Bartolo Colon and Freddy Garcia are praised for strong performances, the team is that much closer to complete implosion.  How long can Colon's steady dose of mediocre fastballs hold off the warming bats of spring?  How many times can Freddy hurl the kitchen sink across home plate before his (overweight) body betrays him?  Freddy gave the Yanks seven strong on the bump tonight, but it went to waste--a loss that will be even more poignant when the Yankees are digging for quality innings in late July or August.

On the other side of town, the Mets are enjoying a momentum swing.  They were supposed to be the town's toiling waste of dollars.  The scariest part of their win tonight (for division rivals, at least) is that they pulled out the victory without major contributions from their dependable parts. Reyes came up empty at the plate, and Beltran allowed a catch-able ball sail over the fence for a home run.  R.A. Dickey, Justin Turner, and Daniel Murphy were the biggest heroes of tonight's win.  Do I smell some depth on that roster? 

Perhaps the Yankees will trade for some arms and run away with the division.  Perhaps the Mets will fall back to Earth and trade the ship.  But there is another story building.  The Mets are playing like a team that does not want to be dissolved.  Fate might prove that the Yankees are the car that needs more than a few alterations to keep running.  This is the face of 2011 in the Bronx--and it isn't pretty: 

  Forget what happens tomorrow and Sunday.  R.A. Dickey knows a good story when he sees one, and a good story brings October baseball to Queens.  (If there is an October...)

The End of the World

Consider our trumpet blown.  Or whatever.  Here are three reasons why the world will end on Saturday:

1) The Red Sox and Cubs are engaging in a massive Boston orgy.  Two franchises maligned since the beginning of time are together on the day of reckoning.  Hide your Billy Goats and Buckners--Fenway Park might be the epicenter of Saturday's rapture.

2) Michigan was playing on ESPN tonight and my father didn't watch.  It was softball, can you blame him?  Either way--this is a sure sign that the universe is behaving strangely.

3) Republicans are criticizing a Democratic POTUS for abusing executive powers!  That's right I went there...

If you're feeling lucky, dump all of your money on a horse tomorrow.  Best case scenario: you win.  Worst case: the world ends and you don't owe your local bookmaker anything but a noogie in hell.

Put it on the board, Hawk.

  

Eyeopener - The Playoffs Are Producing Posters

-No Russell Westrbrook? No problem. The Oklahoma City Thunder stole home-court advantage from the Mavericks last night with a 106-100 win. RussWest found himself on the bench after a series of miscues and watched Eric Maynor run the show and OKC into the showers with the victory, tying the series at ones. It will be interesting to see how he responds to the benching, but after his last one in the Memphis series and the show he put on after that one, Dallas could be down 2-1 after game three.  Oh, and Kevin Durant got all up on Brendan Heywood.

-The Bruins took a lead in the first period and never looked back as Tim Thomas blanked the Lightning 2-0 to gain a 2-1 series advantage. Tyler Seguin didn't have a point during the same proving one thing: HE'S A TOTAL BUST.

-Lance Armstrong is facing charges from admitted cheater, former teammate, and Olympic gold medalist Tyler Hamilton that during the 1999 Tour de France Armstrong injected himself with EPO testosterone. The charges were levied during a 60 Minutes interview, an excerpt of which was released yesterday. Armstrong has always categorically denied such charges but as these claims keep piling up it will be interesting to see if anything changes. Hamilton is facing his own
problems as the IOC investigates Hamilton's admission he cheated during the 2004 Athens games where he won a gold medal.

-Speaking of PEDs, Jason Giambi hit three homers, one of which was a moonshot in the Rockies 7-1 victory over the Phillies to split a two game series. Jhoulys Chacin pitched 7 strong innings to move to 5-2 on the year. There was a hiccup though as CarGo left with a little tightness in his groin.

-The Mets had their first no-hitter in franchise history last night! Just fucking with you. They did come close however as Dillon Gee carried a no-no through 6 2/3 until pitcher Livan Hernandez singled. The Mets did get the 1-0 victory with hot hitting Justin Turner driving in the games lone run.

-As Steve Politi of the Newark Star-Ledger put it, the Orioles are the chicken soup for an ailing ball club. The Evil Empire hung a lucky 13 on the hapless O's as they earned a two game series sweep.

-The NCAA, conference commissioners, and school officials are finally beginning to see the light through the assholes their heads are jammed into as paying athletes becomes a serious topic of conversation. The idea of amateurism is long gone, due in part to all the shady dealings that happen with athletes and billions in revenue the schools, conferences, NCAA, broadcast companies, etc. make off the kids themselves.

-Dick Ebersol, the man who helped craft NBC Sports into what is, resigned yesterday morning after being unable to reach an agreement on a new contract. This will certainly throw a monkey wrench into the bidding for the broadcast rights of the Olympics. I can only hope the next chief's first act of business is disavowing Notre Dame football followed by having Tom Hammond sent to the glue factory like the horses he loves so dearly.

-The second college football player to dies this week is dead because of unknown causes. Austin Box, an Oklahoma linebacker, died just out side of Oklahoma City yesterday due to causes yet to be determined. His former high school coach's son said Box had been taking pain medication and may have overdosed. Assuming this is true, and assuming this injury is football related, it only magnifies the needIt has been a sad week for deaths in the world of sports. Here's to hoping that it ends sooner rather than later.

Player Wives

Come on down, Jamie Kotsay!

I just read an article about Mark Kotsay earning a start and was more shocked the dude was still playing ball let alone starting. Well anyway, good for you Mark Kotsay, you have got yourself a little firecracker of a wife. Not only that, she's fundamentally sound! Look how she gets down in the proper position. Great form.

Quote Of The Day

I'm going to sum this quote of the day in one word: PLAYOFFS?!

Well, I Guess It's Better Than Catching A Foul Ball

Click To Make It Larger

The guys and gals over at Letters Of Note ran this glorious piece back in February. When asked what his favorite Yankee Stadium memory was back in 1972, the Mick responded, "I got a blow-job under the right field Bleachers, by the Yankee Bull pen." The man not only lived a boy's dream of playing professional baseball but also a man's dream of getting blown during a baseball game. That, my friends, is an American hero.

Read the full article over on Letters of Note.

We Be Pimpin', Thanks To You

Today marks our seventh day up and blogging.  As of this post we have been read in nine countries (USA, Canada, France, Germany, Iceland, Australia, Latvia, Philippines, Singapore) and have over 730 views (600 from our parents).  It is cool to start something for fun and then have some sort of success, regardless of how small it may be.  We hope that as we keep writing you keep reading and showing your friends. Thanks.

Love,
@that_guy_sports

Player Wives

Jennie Finch, come on down! Of course you know Jennie Finch. Not from her softball playing days at Arizona, or winning a gold medal, or being the face of an entire sport, or her just overall smokeshow body. You know her because she is married to MLB roster black hole Casey Daigle. I'm sure you're asking, "Who?"... and so are we.

I played Little League, Jennie. Why don't you give me a shot?

Quote Of The Day

We're going to have some fun with the quote of the day and do it via video. Here is a video the younger kids might not remember but is pure gold for us slightly older guys, taken from a time when basketball coaches were men and not railing women on restaurant tables.

Eyeopener - The Empire Strikes Back (NSFW)

-Darth James scored nine points over the last 4:27 to give Miami the win and take home-court advantage away from DRose and Da Bulls. The 85-75 win showed the Heat can take a punch and keep coming after getting coldcocked in game one. Besides BronBron and Dwyane Wade stepping up, Miami got some help from Udonis Haslem as he scored 13 points prompting Heat ringleader Erik Spoelstra to praise Haslem as, "an absolute championship warrior." Whatever the fuck that is.

-Hockey sometimes puts up a fun football score and we're not talking about a Miami/Pittsburgh 3-0 pillow fight. The Vancouver Canucks hung a touchdown with the point after good (suck on that, Graham Gano.) on the Sharks who mustered a Marty Schottenheimer pleasing field goal to win 7-3. The highlight of the game go came as Ben Eager was greeted in the penalty box by a "eager" (sorry, sorry) fan.

-The St. Louis Cardinals beat the Houston Astros 5-1 last night but not before losing Matt Holliday and Lance Berkman to slight discomforts in their quadriceps and steroid injection areas respectively . I'm sure they're okay.

-Fucking Rockies lose 2-1 to the Phillies after a past ball and wild pitch move the only two runs into or further into scoring position. Fuck.

-Boston beat the Tigers 1-0 in what must have been a painting-drying-boring game. The bigger news out of Boston is that Dice-K is out a month or more (we're going to say more.) with, "a sprained ulnar collateral ligament and strained flexor, an injury that when severe enough often results in Tommy John tendon transfer surgery." Have fun with that.

-THE NEW YORK YANKEES ARE GOING TO WIN THE FUCKING WORLD SERIES AFTER A DOMINATING 4-1 WIN IN BALTIMORE (that took 15 innings)! From now on I'm writing every Yankee blurb in the Eyeopener in typical New York City hyperbole, a phenom that everyone else hates and New Yorkers don't seem to realize. (Hint: it's why 99% of the world hates native New Yorkers.)

-Jamie McCourt is demanding the LA Dodgers are sold pronto.

-Speaking of the Dodgers, the Giants were back in town since the horrific beating of Bryan Stow. The guys from the Bay Area won 8-5 but the bigger victory belongs to Stow who is making slow but steady progress in his recovery. Fucking right on.

-Kareem Abdul-Jabbar wants a statue, and he wants it NOW. The former Lakers star says he feels "slighted" for not having his own personal shrine. If built, the statue will have to be cordoned off so no can touch it for it would immediately begin to complain to anyone nearby he was fouled.