Player Wives - Ex-Wife Edition!

Come on down, Candace Cameron!

Along with Kelly Kapowski, DJ Tanner dominated every fantasy I had when I first started figuring out the whole "Hey, if I do this..." aspect of growing up.  Apparently Valeri Bure, who is more famous for being a twin than anything else felt that marrying into my crushes of the 1993 was sound advice.  It ultimately didn't work out, but he got to do what every male born between 1984-1990 always dreamed of: fucking DJ.

Player Wives

Come on down, Danielle Gamba!

Ugh!  That smokeshow of an XX chromosome combination is married to Nick Swisher, world renowned asshat.  When you type in "Nick Swisher" in Google, our favorite search engine provides us with the following searches:

Nick Swisher girlfriend
Nick Swisher pictures
Nick Swisher haircut
Nick Swisher contract
Nick Swisher news

He's supposed to be a baseball player (he's not very good) but instead is treated more like a D list celebrity.  When you type in Albert Pujols Google does the legwork of putting in:

Albert Pujols stats
Albert Pujols espn
Albert Pujols contract
Albert Pujols biography

Yet she married Option A!  Fuck you, Nick Swisher.

Player Wives

Come on down, Ingrid Gordon!

When Jeff Gordon isn't riding around in a car at 200 MPH he gets to ride Ingrid, his Belgian supermodel of a wife.  Jeff is currently listed at a generous 5'7".  His wife?  5'9".  However Jeff does is much larger in one area... his checking account.  His career winnings on NASCAR's top circuit?  118,469,869.  That doesn't include sponsorship money or earnings from other racing circuits.  Good for you, little man!

Player Wives

Come on down, Vanessa Bryant!
Kobe cheated on you which has to suck. But look the ring you got out of it! Holy moley! I'm sure deep down, knowing how envious every single woman on earth is of that thing must make you feel good about yourself. Sure he has bajillions of dollars and may or may not have raped someone but... THE RING! Good for you, you smokeshow of a gal.

Player Wives

Come on down, Gena Lee Nolin!

When we do the Player Wives posts, one of us emails me to get it all pretty and posted.  Usually the subject on the email is something pretty straight forward, the player's name, the wife's name, etc.  No, not today, not for this one.  This is subject on today's email, spelling and grammar just as it came to me in my GMail: "Who the fuck is cale hulse".  Apparently Cale Hulse made his living playing hockey for 15 years.  Also, he is nailing this piece of ass:

Sweet Jebus!  Sports are amazing.  Cale Hulse was a defenseman who I remember only because of NHL 2002 on the PC.  He carved a career as a third pairing guy and he gets to sleep with her nightly.  Only in the world of professional sports can someone mediocre get a Gena Lee Nolin.  Let me know when your best college professor rolls in with a piece of arm candy like that, I know none of mine did.

Player Wives - Widow Edition!

Come on down, Melissa Lima!

We're sorry your husband Jose died.  He was loved by all of us, someone who may have worn every jersey in the majors and always gave it his all.  That said, if you ever get lonely and need someone to keep you company through those long and lonely nights, I'm your guy.

Player Wives

Come on down, Jennifer Utley!

She sort of looks like Olivia Wilde, a compliment of the highest order.  Chase really has it made if you look past his gimpy knee: a World Series ring, a couple of pennants, many dollars in his bank account(s), legions of adoring fans sporting his name, and a smokeshow of a wife tagging along for the ride.

I hope you blow out both knees, Chase.

Player Wives

Come on down, Hilary Duff!

Mike Comrie, congratulations. Not only have you had a respectable NHL career, you've managed to nail down one of the hottest pieces of ass in Hollywood. Not only that, SHE'S SEVEN YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU! I don't care all the bad things they say about Canadians, you prove them wrong. Enjoy tagging that over and over while you both roll around in your millions.

Player Wives

Come on down, Carrie Underwood.

When I see this picture, her legs slightly agape, all I can think about is Carrie saddling me up and riding me til the sun comes up; then singing me a lullaby until I fall asleep.

I hate you, Mike Fisher.

Player Wives (NSFW)

Come on down, Laura Cover!

Aaron fucking Boone, you've had quite a life. You played for both the Yanks and Sox, hit a minor home run in some game 7, and have a sex piece of a wife who is a former Playmate (link is NSFW). She is unbelievable. Imagine her polishing your Pesky Pole on a nightly basis?

Player Wives

Come on down, Kelly Bartlett!

Jason Bartlett, you deserve this. Playing for the Rays can be tough; two thousand fans coming to watch a playoff game can be hard on any man. But being able to come home to a dime like that must make things better.

Here's to you, Jason.

Player Wives

Come on down, Anna Benson!

I remember when Anna made headlines when she said that she would sleep with everyone on the Mets if Kris cheated on her. I'm still not sure how that happened or if it did, if it would qualify as the great moment in Mets' history. If I were on that team I would've been lining Kris's locker with fake pictures and phone numbers and sent a steady stream of hookers to his hotel room on the road. Ultimately, like all seasons in Queens, it was a disappointing one when she didn't. She also promised threeways if that's what her husband wanted. My goodness, what a stand up gal.

Player Wives

Come on down, Adriana Lima!

Somehow a man whose eyes are so close together he's indistinguishable from a cyclops lands Adriana Lima. It's amazing. The man cannot keep a job in the NBA but somehow keeps this Brazilian beauty with him. I'm blown the fuck away. Well done, sir.

Player Wives

Come on down, Emily Kuchar!

Emily who?  Maybe we should of announced her with her official title.

Come on down, Miss Daytona Beach 2008!

No, still not ringing a bell?  We'll try one more time.

Come on down, Mrs. Zach Greinke!

There we go.  Much better.  Once again our athlete rider has her own website and a body that we'd fight a caged tiger while wearing a suit of steak to fuck.  Zach may live in Milwaukee and be slightly off kilter but if those two things added up to her, you could sign us up for weekly therapy and a fitting for a Cheesehead.

Player Wives

Come on down, Ashley Eckstein!

Damn Dave, you're the god damn American hero, aren't you?  "Underdog baseball player makes majors and gets a dime piece of a wife", is more or less how many of us would want to sum up our lives.  But she's not just basking in the Ecks-Factor limelight.  She has her own damn website too: www.ashleyeckstein.com

Player Wives

Come on down, Karen Burnett!

AJ, New York Yankee batting practice pitcher and general piece of white trash, may not be able to throw a strike (thankfully) but he sure got this one right. There was even a rumor going around that Karen was a former stripper which if true, makes me even more of an AJ fan than I am now, though that isn't saying all that much.

Player Wives

Come on down, Jamie Kotsay!

I just read an article about Mark Kotsay earning a start and was more shocked the dude was still playing ball let alone starting. Well anyway, good for you Mark Kotsay, you have got yourself a little firecracker of a wife. Not only that, she's fundamentally sound! Look how she gets down in the proper position. Great form.

Player Wives

Jennie Finch, come on down! Of course you know Jennie Finch. Not from her softball playing days at Arizona, or winning a gold medal, or being the face of an entire sport, or her just overall smokeshow body. You know her because she is married to MLB roster black hole Casey Daigle. I'm sure you're asking, "Who?"... and so are we.

I played Little League, Jennie. Why don't you give me a shot?

Player Wives

Heidi Hamels, come on down! Cole Hamels, you dirty motherfucker. I hate you and your hot wife. For anyone that is interested, Google Heidi Hamels and Playboy and make sure you have a healthy supply of hand lotion and tissues "handy". (NSFW)

Player Wives

Come on down Lisa Podsednik! Look Scott, you've had a pretty good run: 70 steals in a season, 100 runs, a walk off HR in a World Series game, a World Series ring, and getting released by the Blue Jays. All these are pretty impressive accomplishments. Just do the right thing and hang up the spikes and spend whatever time you have left with your bombshell of a wife before she leaves you for Bryce Harper.