There's Nothing Worse Than Your Mom Telling You To Stop Boning So Loudly

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Shantericca Madden: Confession Of A Killer

The New York Times really does bring some amazing stuff to the table.  A feature on their website today covers, in impressive breadth and scope, the March 3, 2011 murder of Middle Tennessee State University women's basketball player Tina Stewart by her roommate Shanterrica Madden.  The first piece is a telling of both women's stories using firsthand accounts of those who know them best, close friends and relatives.  Alongside that is a 40 minute video of Madden's confession to murdering her roommate during her police interrogation.  The Times does an excellent as always, providing a transcript that runs in real-time with the video as well as an interactive time bar that allows you to jump through the video to what you want to see, each section labeled.  It's powerful stuff, a strong reminder sports is not life, just merely an aspect of it.

Player Wives

Come on down, Kelly Bartlett!

Jason Bartlett, you deserve this. Playing for the Rays can be tough; two thousand fans coming to watch a playoff game can be hard on any man. But being able to come home to a dime like that must make things better.

Here's to you, Jason.

Quote Of The Day

We give you a quote fitting for the day, a reminder of just why you drank a couple gallons of brew, a couple pints of tequila, and the mysterious liquid that was in the bottom of the cooler because, "I totally saw some spill some Stoli in there." So, as you battle your hangover, watch your hands shake as you detox, and perspire sweat that is 40 proof, read this. It's a quote that combines love of nation for love of alcohol from a man who was known to love the women, Ben Franklin. (The quote is, in fact, out of context. Here is the full quote. Fuck it. We like it.)

"Beer if proof God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Eyeopener - We're Back!

We're back, bitches! Shitty weekends at work finished? Check. Livers drowned? Check. Colons plastered full of barbecued food? Check. Let's get back at this shit. The video is NSFW but whatever, you'll watch it anyway.

-Not going to rehash the past (too much) but it was a crazy weekend in sports:

JR Hildebrand can only successfully make 799 out of 800 left hand turns.

Dale Jr. needed about 1500 more feet worth of fuel.

Jim Tressel's sweater vest is not made of Kevlar but merely a cotton-poly blend.

Jo-Jo's Got Mojo!

In An All ACC Final In Men's Lax, Terps Win Crown.

Barca > ManU

Sepp Blatter is the Saddam Hussein of sports.

Bartolo Colon is doing steroids.

The Rockies are the 8-20 in May.

John Danks stanks, is a sore loser.

Here's The Video Of Chad Knaus F-Bombing

With only a handful of laps left in the marathon that is the Coca-Cola 600, Jimmie Johnson's engine let go.  Fox cut to Johnson's car and radio just in time to hear crew chief Chad Knaus vent his frustration.
(You might need to turn up the volume, it is a little quiet.)

Liquor Store Regular

You have recently switched from a "six of that tea that I drink" (Mike's Hard Tea, the manliest of malt beverages) and moved to a two six packs of Coors Light nips a night. I still can't tell if this a positive or not. What I can tell you is that your pierced chin/lip area is disgusting, as is the shitty soulpatch you have growing around it. Did I mention I dislike you and shake up your beer every chance I get?

Player Wives

Come on down, Anna Benson!

I remember when Anna made headlines when she said that she would sleep with everyone on the Mets if Kris cheated on her. I'm still not sure how that happened or if it did, if it would qualify as the great moment in Mets' history. If I were on that team I would've been lining Kris's locker with fake pictures and phone numbers and sent a steady stream of hookers to his hotel room on the road. Ultimately, like all seasons in Queens, it was a disappointing one when she didn't. She also promised threeways if that's what her husband wanted. My goodness, what a stand up gal.

Badminton Gets Sexy

The Badminton World Federation would be happy if all players dressed (and looked) like her, Danish born player Camilla Martin. he New York Times ran a piece this morning on a dress code being implemented on female badminton players by the BWF. The rule, which is being criticized roundly, would require female players to dress in shorts or skirts while playing in an attempt to create a more "attractive appearance". The criticism is pretty far-reaching and firmly based and is being, "criticized as sexist, a hindrance to performance and offensive to Muslim women who play the sport in large numbers in Asian countries". Well, yeah. The Times article has links to both the rule's press release and diagram of the short/skirt rules, or you could just follow ours.

One Time! An Ode To The Mad Dog, Chris Russo

As a young sports fan along the Jersey Shore, I am graced with both the New York City and Philadelphia media markets. The ability to watch Yankees, Mets and Phillies games all at once without having to sign my soul over to MLB.TV is a blessing. However, the ratio for Philly fans to some combination of New York sports fan has to be close to 30:1, if not 50:1. The constant yapping I’ve heard from the late 90’s Yankee dynasty to the Devils’ three (Fucking three? Really? Thank you, left wing lock.) to the Giants winning a Super Bowl on the biggest bullshit play ever is daunting. The natural course of action for someone who likes teams from a city that has won one championship since my birth would be to keep as far away from sports banter as humanly possible. But thanks to one man, it was not only easier to stand up to New York bias bullshit, it was fun. Thank you, Mad Dog Chris Russo.

As a teenager, Mike and the Mad Dog made my after school afternoons. So what if I refused to play sports or hangout with my girlfriend? I just wanted to listen to Mike and Dog argue the day’s topics. Mad Dog always knew how to tweak not only his partner, but every New York sports fan. From starting the show with “Meet the Mets” after each Mets’ loss down the stretch of their epic 2007 collapse to calling out the Yankee’s obscene payroll after every win versus the former Devil Rays, Mad Dog knew how to bring it.

And of course who could forget this, the rant that made every small market, bad luck baseball fan stand up and applaud Mad Dog all the while asking their friends if trading family members for world championships is a cause for concern or not.

Now Mad Dog has brought his “style” to Sirius-XM radio. As an avid listener to his station I have to say I am torn with the results. On the one hand, I am disappointed that Mad Dog and Mike Francesa broke up their partnership. He was definitely the ying to his yang. Without having someone in studio to rip apart for six hours, Mad Dog is left to rely on terrible callers. However, the station is so desperate for callers that Dog often restrains himself from being overly combative in an effort to keep the person from never calling again. Also, being forced to talk about national sports topics, there isn't the chance to get in depth with particular stories or teams. (Or as I like to call it, Mike and Mike in the Morning Syndrome.) Despite these shortcomings I am happy that I still have the opportunity to listen to him on my commute home from the office every afternoon, whereas if he took a job on the radio in Nashville I would not.

Mad Dog may be a watered down version of what he once was, but Dog at 75% is still way better than most. He still makes me feel like a teenager again, sitting outside on a summer afternoon telling my friends how pathetic they are for not knowing who the Yankees’ starting right fielder is. And for that, I will be forever grateful.

Quote Of The Day

Tug McGraw, winner of two World Series rings but more importantly father of Tim McGraw, was a character to say the least.  That said, his response when asked if he preferred Astroturf or natural grass should not be all that shocking:

"I dunno.  I never smoked any Astroturf."

Eyeopener - The Heimlich And A Door Prize For Chicago

-Sweet Jesus, Chicago.  Did Russell Westbrook give you a pep talk in a late huddle and tell you how to close out games?  You were the second-to-last line of between LeBronalypse and you failed us.  You lost 83-80, blew a 12 point lead, and your superstar went MIA in the fourth quarter again?  Thanks for nothing.  Your consolation prize is at the door.  (It's a steaming pile of shit, like the one you laid last night.)

-Buster Posey, he of the vicious collision yesterday, will likely be out for the rest of the season.  Posey suffered a broken leg and ligament damage in his ankle that will require surgery.  While the play at the plate was a clean play, some have questioned the necessity of the play itself or if the rule should be changed.  We here at That Guy! belief the play was not only clean play but a part of baseball that should remain.  Just like takeout slides and throwing at batters, it is a physical part of the game that has its place and should remain.  And how did the Giants do without young Buster?   They lost 1-0 to the Fish.

-Did MLB institute the mercy rule we all encountered at least once in Little League?  The BoSox romped on the Tigers 14-1 in a run rain-shortened 8 inning affair.  Carl Crawford joined Yaz and the Splendid Splinter as the only Boston left fielder since 1940 to record four hits and in two triples in the same game.

-If any of the four major North American sports had the problems FIFA has, we as a continent would flip our shit.  Current FIFA president Sepp Blatter had a bribery investigation opened up against him yesterday after Mohamed bin Hammam accused Blatter knew of payments bin Hammam had given out; payments that FIFA is investigating as bribery.  The topper?  Bin Hammam and Blatter face of in an election next week for FIFA's presidency.

-Digital Roy Halladay is just as good as flesh and bones Roy Halladay.  Brian Kingrey, a 25 year old music teacher in Louisiana, was the first to pitch a perfect game in 2K11's perfect game challenge.  Halladay sat down 27 straight 'Stros to earn Kingrey a very large check for a million dollars.  He will now also get the chance to pitch against the real Astros and has approximately the same chance at pitching a perfect game against them.

The Curious Case Of Jo-Jo Reyes

To put Jo-Jo Reyes’ winless streak into perspective, a certain utility player for the Phillies has 127 2/3IP less than Jo-Jo and one more victory. My reasoning for writing this article is not to waste a minute or so out of everyone’s life to tell you that Jo-Jo Reyes is bad, we all know that. The truth is though he, when placed in the context of history, is not THAT bad. Certainly not bad enough to hold one of the three longest losing streaks in baseball history for a starting pitcher.

The last pitcher to make 28 consecutive starts without recording a W was Matt Keough of Oakland A’s fame (with through compliments around liberally here at That Guy!). Matt Keough went 2-17 in 1979, his sophomore season in the big leagues, surely killing many fantasy teams that year. However, Keough was named to the All-Star Team in his rookie season for the 1978 Athletics, recording an ERA of 3.24 that belied his 8-15 won-loss record. He also went on to have a respectable career, even playing for the Yankees in the 1980’s, so you know he had to be good.

What Jo-Jo, and to a better extent Keough represent, is the fact that wins is the most overrated stat for a pitcher. Jo-Jo has a 4.70 ERA this year and in the AL East that’s really not that bad at all. He is notorious for giving up 1^st and 2^nd inning runs (see Meyers, Brett for similar examples) which can demoralize an offense when they haven’t even spit out their first batch of sunflower seeds to see themselves down 5-0 (See yesterday’s box score). He has also pitched some great games with Atlanta and Toronto during this losing streak In his May 20^th start against Houston he hurled 7 innings of shutout ball got zero run support.

We know that W’s are overrated thanks to Kings Felix’s Cy Young Trophy. Jo-Jo Reyes just shows us the same thing by being as far away from a Cy Young as a starter as humanly possible.

Tia Norfleet And NASCAR's Color Barrier

The Sporting News ran an article this week on budding NASCAR driver Tia Norfleet, former Cup driver Bobby Norfleet's daughter. What makes her different than most drivers is not that she's a woman but that she is also an African-American. As she works her way through the feeder systems of NASCAR, Tia is breaking down barriers every step of the way, helping to integrate a sport whose roots lie in the Jim Crow South.

It is important to NASCAR both financially, and much more significantly culturally, to be bring down the gender and race barriers. The social need is clear. NASCAR has long had a history checkered with racial and gender inequality and insensitivity. Some of that still remains as exemplified by Mauricia Grant's 2008, $225M lawsuit claiming discrimination and harassment. NASCAR continues however to push forward, seemingly whole-heartedly and genuinely, to integrate the sport. NASCAR's Drive for Diversity programs helps to fund and promote potential stars in the world of stock car who make up a minority in the world of racing, usually African-Americans and women.

The financial ramifications are tremendous as well. With the current recession still hampering the American pocketbook discretionary spending is down. NASCAR weekends can be an expensive endeavor: ticket prices can run into the hundreds of dollars for a seat, parking, hotel or lodging, food, fuel, and the potential for lost income from taking a couple of days off from work. Many tracks are reporting significant dips in attendance which hurts not just the tracks but sponsors and the communities surrounding the track, some of which exist solely due to the venue. By expanding into the African-American market NASCAR would be opening a potentially significantly large revenue stream that is sorely needed in NASCAR. With the sport moving into the mainstream and out of the backwoods there is no better time or opportunity.

Player Wives

Come on down, Adriana Lima!

Somehow a man whose eyes are so close together he's indistinguishable from a cyclops lands Adriana Lima. It's amazing. The man cannot keep a job in the NBA but somehow keeps this Brazilian beauty with him. I'm blown the fuck away. Well done, sir.

Quote Of The Day

I'm a man!  I'm 40!

Eyeopener - OKC Collects Their Door Prize, Phils/Reds Still Playing

-The Oklahoma City Thunder simply can't hold leads. In a sport where having more points than the other team is a necessity, that's a bad thing. The Dallas Mavericks are back in the NBA Finals after coming from behind and beating OKC 100-96 to take the Western Conference Finals 4-1. KD and Co. can pick up their parting gifts at the door.

-The the Boston Bruins will be headed to a game seven of the Eastern Conference Finals. Thankfully for them the Flyers aren't the opponent. Tampa Bay put a Lincoln on the board to the Boston's two Jeffersons to send the series back to Boston. Check out Days Of Y'Orr for completely biased coverage that does the series more justice than I can. (I'm still holding my Jorge De La Rosa candlelight vigil. Details to follow.)

-As the guys over at Deadspin asked, after the Phillies/Reds marathon last night, the big question is who falls asleep during today's 1:05 start game, Dusty or Charlie? The two teams played for just over six hours, which in baseball terms is 19 innings, or in Rich Dubee terms exactly 600 pitches, 220 of them by Roy Halladay. (Our stat guys are checking that one out.)

-Buster Posey was injured in the Giants 12 inning, 7-6 loss to the Marlins as the reigning Rookie of the Year catcher tried to block home plate. The collision was a clean one if not extremely vicious.

Both players, Posey and Florida's Scott Cousins, deserve praise for playing baseball all out. I'm sure somewhere Pete Rose has this play DVR'd and is furiously masturbating to it as he rewinds it over and over again.

-Mike Brown is officially the new head coach of the Los Angeles Lakers. Kobe had no comment but the California media sure did, blasting the hire already. No verification if it's true that Brown's office door will be titled with "Brian Shaw's Seat Warmer".

-The Wilpons have a sold a non-controlling stake in the New York Mets but not SNY for approximately 200 million dollars to Greenlight Capital's David Einhorn. It's been a busier week for the Wilpons with Jeffrey Toobin's The New Yorker bio on Fred Wilpon, which featured some interesting quotes from Wilpon on his team and players, followed by Wilpon's inevitable apology.

-Bob Huggins has a soulmate. West Virginia football's current offensive coordinator and head-coach-in-waiting Dana Holgorsen was removed from a West Virginia casino after becoming "uncooperative" with security. No truth to the rumor that Huggy Bear sent Dana a congratulatory/welcome to the club bottle of Ketel One.

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Pooping My Pants In Norfolk

This is definitely one of the more disgusting stories that will be posted here for That Guy!'s Embarrassing Story Wednesday.  As always, every bit of this is true, no matter how much you may not belief it is or how much we wish it wasn't.  Without anymore delay, I present to you this week's tale of woe.

A couple of summers ago, on the way back from a vacation with my then-girlfriend's family to the Outer Banks in North Carolina, her and I stopped in Norfolk, Virginia on our way back to Jersey.  I had been to Norfolk a couple of times before and each time I enjoyed myself.  This time would turn out to be different.  We left North Carolina early that morning, a Saturday in late August, and were in Norfolk by 8:30AM.  The entire city was quiet which was both fortunate and odd.  I parked my car in a local parking garage not too far from the USS Wisconsin, a battleship-turned-museum docked in Norfolk.  We proceeded to walk around the harbor area, looking at the boats, the Wisconsin, and the general beauty of the waterfront.  As we walked around the Wisconsin, I felt my stomach gurgle.  Nothing of concerned but definitely needed to find a bathroom before we grabbed breakfast.  Within minutes though the gurgle had turned into an incessant rumble and boiling feces that let me know quickly I needed to evacuate my stomach before it did on its own terms.  I told my girlfriend that I needed to get to a bathroom now and began to walk from the Wisconsin towards the buildings that make up downtown Norfolk.  I found on my phone there was a Starbucks within a mile of where we were and we made a beeline for it.  The first right, the second left.  That's all the stood between and me and safety/relief.  It wasn't long after we made the right turn that the horror of realizing I wasn't going to make it set in.  My steps became shorter and softer and as my girlfriend walked ahead of me I began to look for options.  It was zero hour.  I cannot tell you how lucky I was this was a Saturday morning and not a weekday for I surely would have been arrested.  Without a thought I dropped my boardshorts, stepped into a tiny alcove for the front door of an office building and quickly announced, "I'm not going to make it."  As my girlfriend turned around she saw three things: a man with his shorts and boxers around his knees; a massive, explosive stream of brown, runny shit; and a look on my face she would later describe as one of, "pure relief and shame".  It came in two massive explosions that painted the alcove and the sidewalk in shades reserved for 1970's carpeting.  I finished my deed, feeling like a million dollars, but a total mess.  I had no options to wipe with, nothing to clean myself with.  The only choice was to pull up my shorts and trek the remaining handful of blocks to the original goal of Starbucks.  We arrived, and then I spent the next 15 minutes trying to properly clean myself up and dispose of my boxers, all things I never imagined I would be doing on a family vacation.  As I emerged to my girlfriend staring at me with a look I can't quiet put my finger on, the only thing I could manage was, "My ass is clean, but my self-esteem isn't".

We then ate breakfast.

Player Wives

Come on down, Emily Kuchar!

Emily who?  Maybe we should of announced her with her official title.

Come on down, Miss Daytona Beach 2008!

No, still not ringing a bell?  We'll try one more time.

Come on down, Mrs. Zach Greinke!

There we go.  Much better.  Once again our athlete rider has her own website and a body that we'd fight a caged tiger while wearing a suit of steak to fuck.  Zach may live in Milwaukee and be slightly off kilter but if those two things added up to her, you could sign us up for weekly therapy and a fitting for a Cheesehead.