I Think I Like Fred Wilpon

The New York media, always known for their level-headed and fair reporting, will have a field day with only a handful of the quotes in Jeffrey Toobin's feature on Fred Wilpon.  Specifically, the quotes where Wilpon criticizes some of his players.

On Jose Reyes:
“He thinks he’s going to get Carl Crawford money. He’s had everything wrong with him. He won’t get it.”

On David Wright:
“A really good kid. A very good player. Not a superstar.”

On Carlos Beltran, and himself:
"We had some dummy in New York, Wilpon says, referring to himself, 'who paid him based on that one series. He’s 65 to 70 percent of what he was.'"

But what is most powerful about the piece is that Wilpon comes off as extremely likable, a guy who cares a lot about his team and its success.  Someone who is pained with the teams struggles, and his own.  The piece is magnificent and well-worth the time to read it.

Todd Frazier Makes The Show

Todd Frazier, former Little League hero, Rutgers superstar, and someone who holds many connections to this blog's writers, got the call today.  The Cincinnati Reds Blog broke the story, citing CAA's Twitter feed, the sports agency that represents Frazier.  We wish him the best tonight as he makes his MLB debut against the Philadelphia Phillies tonight.  He is clearly the most important roster addition to either squad tonight.

Down Goes Poulter! Down Goes Poulter!

Ian Poulter made some money yesterday by winning the World Match Play Championship in Caseras, Spain yesterday 2-1 over Luke Donald.  His check for 1.14 million dollars is large and probably not cash-able at your friendly, local payday advance store.  On his way to claiming a comically huge check with lots of zeroes and commas, Poulter took a tumble while making a shot off a hill.  Thankfully someone got video of it so we all may watch and laugh at his misfortune, then get pissed because he did just win 1.14 million.  That is approximately 1.1399 million more than I have in my checking account.

Player Wives

Come on down, Karen Burnett!

AJ, New York Yankee batting practice pitcher and general piece of white trash, may not be able to throw a strike (thankfully) but he sure got this one right. There was even a rumor going around that Karen was a former stripper which if true, makes me even more of an AJ fan than I am now, though that isn't saying all that much.

We're Gussying Ourselves Up

We're putting on our finery for you guys.  At some point our banner will go from boring old text to a pretty graphic thanks a talented friend.  We hope you think we look nice.

Danica Patrick Had A Bad Day Yesterday

Danica Patrick, model-turned-race-car-driver (we got that right, right?), had a bad day in Indianapolis yesterday.  Patrick nearly caused a lot of problems for the officials of the Izod Indy Car Series by not qualifying for Sunday's Indianapolis 500.  We'll sum it up in a neat and orderly fashion, but follow the link for the full run down.

-She was slow on Saturday during practice.
-Sunday morning she was second fastest in morning practice assuring her the second spot in the qualifying order.
-She failed post-practice inspection meaning she would go to the back of the line to qualify.
-Rain nearly washed out the end of qualifying which would have left Danica out of the 500.
-Danica eventually did qualify, which you can watch below, ending up with the 26th starting spot.

Quote Of The Day

For today's quote, we turn towards fat man and general blowhard Tommy Lasorda. Here is a man who loves nothing more to hear his own voice and to score a Vegas buffet special all at the same time. The quote?

"The only way I'd worry about the weather is if it snows on our side of the field and not on theirs."

Here's Joakim Noah Being Mean

Joakim Noah scored a single point last night.  He also committed a couple of quick fouls.  After picking up his second foul midway through the first period, Noah went back to bench, greeted by hecklers.  He then said a Kobe-esque bad word.  Here's the video.

Eyeopener - Sorry We Have A Drinking Problem

Sorry about the lack of postings, we spent the weekend working but mainly bringing ourselves that much closer to pulling a Mickey Mantle and getting a blowjob in Yankee Stadium needing a liver transplant.  We'll make up for it today.  Anyway, let’s do this.

-Joakim Noah thinks you’re a (insert sexual slur here).  He also can’t guard Chris Bosh as the third wheel in Miami love duo made Noah look like the famous Yi workout chair.  Bosh went off scoring 34 points in Miami's 96-85 win in Miami. For shits and giggles, here is Will Smith.

-Vancouver scored three straight 5 on 3 goals last night to beat San Jose, taking a 3-1 series lead in the process.  San Jose is once again edging closer to another season of being the bridesmaid in the Western Conference but more importantly, that much closer to receiving the That Guy! consolation prize on their way out.

-Scumbag Giovanni Ramirez was caught yesterday in a police raid on his Los Angeles apartment.  Ramirez is the primary suspect in the beating of Giants fan Bryan Stow who remains in the hospital.  Rumors are swirling that Ramirez is a member of the one of the street gangs that claim his Los Angeles neighborhood of Rampart as part of their territory.  Two other suspects remain at large.

-More people keep piling on Lance Armstrong and Lance is getting pissed.

-The Phils are about to get a sudden surge of offense in their lineup as Chase Utley returns today to make his season debut.  The Phillies have been atrocious offensively, including dropping a 2-0 decision to Texas after  mustering just five hits.  However thanks to their plethora of arms, they remain atop the NL East.

-David Price sat on my fantasy bench yesterday after I forgot to set my line up.  He then dealt a three hit, complete game gem replete with 13 Ks as Tampa Bay beat Florida 4-0.  I will now slam my dick in a door.

-Hey, you know who else sat on my bench?  Alexei Ramirez, who went 4-5 with a homer, five RBIs, and scored two runs as the Sox of Chicago beat the Dodgers 8-3.  I will now slam both nuts in a door.

-The luckiest man on earth right now is Ivan Nova who put a lot of traffic on and only gave up three runs.  Then the 7th inning rolled up and the Yankees went ham on the Mets, throwing up a snowman to take 2 of 3 from their cross-river rivals in a 9-3 win.

-This is the face of "multiple facial fractures".

Cubs center fielder Marlon Byrd is on the 15 day DL after taking a heater to the cheek in Saturday night's win over the BoSox.  The Red Sox would turn around and take last night's contest 5-1 on the strength of Adrian Gonzalez's bat and Tim Wakefields knuckler.  Adrian did not sit on my fantasy bench last night.

Quote Of The Day

Practice?  You guys coming here on a Sunday for practice?  If you don't practice reading, you can't read this post about practice.  Practice, practice, PRACTICE!

Quote Of The Day

This quote of the day is NSFW.  That said, it is great not only for the bouncing pecs and body oil but for Booker T's reaction when we realizes what he just said.  Remember, kids.  Wrestling is just acting so when someone goes off script and says something offensive to real people, it can be a big deal.

This Is The Face Of All That Will Haunt Me

Inglorious Basterds, Tarantino's World War II epic(?) features a scene in which a cinema full of Nazis is burnt to the ground, the mocking face of a Jewish girl who survived her family's massacre laughing as they roast to death. (Pro Tip: For the juiciest, most flavorful Nazi roasts, cook at a low heat, turning every fifteen minutes.) That face represented death.

As a Rockies fan, the face below has come to represent everything scary and horrible in the world of baseball.

That is the face of Felipe Paulino, the world's greatest batting practice pitcher and a disgrace to my high school basketball number. Last night he jogged out to the mound in the bottom of the 14th, three out standing between the Rockies and victory. Paulino recorded one out, walked Ryan Braun, and then served a fastball to Prince Fielder that is currently in low earth orbit and threatening the space shuttle Endeavor, to lose again. Now that isn't the whole picture. The Rockies coughed up six leads over 14 innings, and the offense without Carlos Gonzalez or Todd Helton in the line up produced enough runs to win in another sign the offense is getting back to where it was. But the fact remains that Felipe Paulino is a disgrace to the black and purple of the Rockies. With Franklin Morales traded to Boston the day before, Paulino was the sole focus of distress and distrust for Rockies fans. And on Friday night, he did not disappoint. Since May 1, the start of the month which has seen Colorado flounder to a 6-12 record, Paulino is 0-4 with one blown save, including drawing three loses in three straight appearances in one week, two of them to division rival San Francisco. On the year, his numbers are a conglomeration of crooked numbers: four loses, 23 hits and 12 earned runs in 14.1 IPs, sevens walks to 14 Ks, an ERA of 7.36, and a WHIP of 2.05. Wow.

So as Prince's walk off home run sailed in the night in Milwaukee and Paulino trudged off the mound a loser for the fourth time, anyone who knows the Rockies had one thought, "That is the last pitch he will ever throw as a Rockie."

Let's hope we're right.

Revenge Of The English Major... And The End Of The World

This man--curly hair and Williamsburg beard included--just floated a gem against the Yankees.  He's studied narratives, he knows all about literary theory and reader response, and his knuckler just scored one for the Mets in the subway series.  Let's deviate from the R.A. Dickey-an prose and study some statistics:

Mets in May: 11-6
Yanks in May: 8-11 

Now the narrative:

The Yankees are a dinosaur stuck in the mud.  When Bartolo Colon and Freddy Garcia are praised for strong performances, the team is that much closer to complete implosion.  How long can Colon's steady dose of mediocre fastballs hold off the warming bats of spring?  How many times can Freddy hurl the kitchen sink across home plate before his (overweight) body betrays him?  Freddy gave the Yanks seven strong on the bump tonight, but it went to waste--a loss that will be even more poignant when the Yankees are digging for quality innings in late July or August.

On the other side of town, the Mets are enjoying a momentum swing.  They were supposed to be the town's toiling waste of dollars.  The scariest part of their win tonight (for division rivals, at least) is that they pulled out the victory without major contributions from their dependable parts. Reyes came up empty at the plate, and Beltran allowed a catch-able ball sail over the fence for a home run.  R.A. Dickey, Justin Turner, and Daniel Murphy were the biggest heroes of tonight's win.  Do I smell some depth on that roster? 

Perhaps the Yankees will trade for some arms and run away with the division.  Perhaps the Mets will fall back to Earth and trade the ship.  But there is another story building.  The Mets are playing like a team that does not want to be dissolved.  Fate might prove that the Yankees are the car that needs more than a few alterations to keep running.  This is the face of 2011 in the Bronx--and it isn't pretty: 

  Forget what happens tomorrow and Sunday.  R.A. Dickey knows a good story when he sees one, and a good story brings October baseball to Queens.  (If there is an October...)

The End of the World

Consider our trumpet blown.  Or whatever.  Here are three reasons why the world will end on Saturday:

1) The Red Sox and Cubs are engaging in a massive Boston orgy.  Two franchises maligned since the beginning of time are together on the day of reckoning.  Hide your Billy Goats and Buckners--Fenway Park might be the epicenter of Saturday's rapture.

2) Michigan was playing on ESPN tonight and my father didn't watch.  It was softball, can you blame him?  Either way--this is a sure sign that the universe is behaving strangely.

3) Republicans are criticizing a Democratic POTUS for abusing executive powers!  That's right I went there...

If you're feeling lucky, dump all of your money on a horse tomorrow.  Best case scenario: you win.  Worst case: the world ends and you don't owe your local bookmaker anything but a noogie in hell.

Put it on the board, Hawk.

  

Eyeopener - The Playoffs Are Producing Posters

-No Russell Westrbrook? No problem. The Oklahoma City Thunder stole home-court advantage from the Mavericks last night with a 106-100 win. RussWest found himself on the bench after a series of miscues and watched Eric Maynor run the show and OKC into the showers with the victory, tying the series at ones. It will be interesting to see how he responds to the benching, but after his last one in the Memphis series and the show he put on after that one, Dallas could be down 2-1 after game three.  Oh, and Kevin Durant got all up on Brendan Heywood.

-The Bruins took a lead in the first period and never looked back as Tim Thomas blanked the Lightning 2-0 to gain a 2-1 series advantage. Tyler Seguin didn't have a point during the same proving one thing: HE'S A TOTAL BUST.

-Lance Armstrong is facing charges from admitted cheater, former teammate, and Olympic gold medalist Tyler Hamilton that during the 1999 Tour de France Armstrong injected himself with EPO testosterone. The charges were levied during a 60 Minutes interview, an excerpt of which was released yesterday. Armstrong has always categorically denied such charges but as these claims keep piling up it will be interesting to see if anything changes. Hamilton is facing his own
problems as the IOC investigates Hamilton's admission he cheated during the 2004 Athens games where he won a gold medal.

-Speaking of PEDs, Jason Giambi hit three homers, one of which was a moonshot in the Rockies 7-1 victory over the Phillies to split a two game series. Jhoulys Chacin pitched 7 strong innings to move to 5-2 on the year. There was a hiccup though as CarGo left with a little tightness in his groin.

-The Mets had their first no-hitter in franchise history last night! Just fucking with you. They did come close however as Dillon Gee carried a no-no through 6 2/3 until pitcher Livan Hernandez singled. The Mets did get the 1-0 victory with hot hitting Justin Turner driving in the games lone run.

-As Steve Politi of the Newark Star-Ledger put it, the Orioles are the chicken soup for an ailing ball club. The Evil Empire hung a lucky 13 on the hapless O's as they earned a two game series sweep.

-The NCAA, conference commissioners, and school officials are finally beginning to see the light through the assholes their heads are jammed into as paying athletes becomes a serious topic of conversation. The idea of amateurism is long gone, due in part to all the shady dealings that happen with athletes and billions in revenue the schools, conferences, NCAA, broadcast companies, etc. make off the kids themselves.

-Dick Ebersol, the man who helped craft NBC Sports into what is, resigned yesterday morning after being unable to reach an agreement on a new contract. This will certainly throw a monkey wrench into the bidding for the broadcast rights of the Olympics. I can only hope the next chief's first act of business is disavowing Notre Dame football followed by having Tom Hammond sent to the glue factory like the horses he loves so dearly.

-The second college football player to dies this week is dead because of unknown causes. Austin Box, an Oklahoma linebacker, died just out side of Oklahoma City yesterday due to causes yet to be determined. His former high school coach's son said Box had been taking pain medication and may have overdosed. Assuming this is true, and assuming this injury is football related, it only magnifies the needIt has been a sad week for deaths in the world of sports. Here's to hoping that it ends sooner rather than later.

Player Wives

Come on down, Jamie Kotsay!

I just read an article about Mark Kotsay earning a start and was more shocked the dude was still playing ball let alone starting. Well anyway, good for you Mark Kotsay, you have got yourself a little firecracker of a wife. Not only that, she's fundamentally sound! Look how she gets down in the proper position. Great form.

Quote Of The Day

I'm going to sum this quote of the day in one word: PLAYOFFS?!

Well, I Guess It's Better Than Catching A Foul Ball

Click To Make It Larger

The guys and gals over at Letters Of Note ran this glorious piece back in February. When asked what his favorite Yankee Stadium memory was back in 1972, the Mick responded, "I got a blow-job under the right field Bleachers, by the Yankee Bull pen." The man not only lived a boy's dream of playing professional baseball but also a man's dream of getting blown during a baseball game. That, my friends, is an American hero.

Read the full article over on Letters of Note.

We Be Pimpin', Thanks To You

Today marks our seventh day up and blogging.  As of this post we have been read in nine countries (USA, Canada, France, Germany, Iceland, Australia, Latvia, Philippines, Singapore) and have over 730 views (600 from our parents).  It is cool to start something for fun and then have some sort of success, regardless of how small it may be.  We hope that as we keep writing you keep reading and showing your friends. Thanks.

Love,
@that_guy_sports

Player Wives

Jennie Finch, come on down! Of course you know Jennie Finch. Not from her softball playing days at Arizona, or winning a gold medal, or being the face of an entire sport, or her just overall smokeshow body. You know her because she is married to MLB roster black hole Casey Daigle. I'm sure you're asking, "Who?"... and so are we.

I played Little League, Jennie. Why don't you give me a shot?

Quote Of The Day

We're going to have some fun with the quote of the day and do it via video. Here is a video the younger kids might not remember but is pure gold for us slightly older guys, taken from a time when basketball coaches were men and not railing women on restaurant tables.