ESPN Got All Confusing On Us

This was the front page of ESPN Mobile's website the other day. There a lot of Zs, double consonants, and names we generally would not be able to pronounce.

Foul Ball > Daughter

Here is a gem of a video a reader sent into us.  Apparently catching a foul ball at a baseball game is more than not dropping your daughter.  You know in ten years she'll be sleeping with every guy in school, doing lines of blow at work, and be a walking Petri dish of disease ALL BECAUSE YOU DROPPED ME DADDY!  I FUCKING HATE YOU!

As The Crow Flies: The NHL's New Look Southeast Division

With the Atlanta Thrashers moving to Winnipeg for this coming season, the divisions will almost certainly realign... in 2012/13. That leaves the new the franchise to continue, at least for one season, to play in the Southeast Division, creating some interesting road trips.  For your humor we mapped out, as the crow flies (ie: a straight line) between the Thrashers new home in Winnipeg, the MTS Centre, and the other arenas in the Southeast.  Enjoy!

From the MTS Centre to the RBC Center in Raleigh, NC - Carolina Hurricanes

Total Distance: 1342.931

From the MTS Centre to the BankAtlantic Center in Sunrise, FL - Florida Panthers

Total Distance: 1870.327

From the MTS Centre to the St. Pete Times Forum in Tampa, FL - Tampa Bay Lightning

Total Distance: 1703.960

From the MTS Centre to the Verizon Center in Washington, DC - Washington Capitals

Total Distance: 1245.319

I Think I Hit A Gremlin

While driving home from work the other day on the Garden State Parkway I heard a loud thwap.  I looked up in time to see the blood trail work its way up my windshield.  I'm not fully sure what I hit but my guess right now is leaning towards a gremlin.  That is a lot of blood and the streak was about six inches from top to bottom.  The creepiest part was that hitting the wipers with windshield wiper fluid did nothing, not even smear it.  Nature is a fucked up thing.

Quote Of The Day

For today's quote we turn to Lawrence Taylor: snorter of cocaine, breaker of legs (see below), and solicitor of prostitutes.  When asked about his recent arrest for picking up an underage prostitute in New York, Lawrence stated, "I don't card them."  Fantastic.

Player Wives (NSFW)

Come on down, Laura Cover!

Aaron fucking Boone, you've had quite a life. You played for both the Yanks and Sox, hit a minor home run in some game 7, and have a sex piece of a wife who is a former Playmate (link is NSFW). She is unbelievable. Imagine her polishing your Pesky Pole on a nightly basis?

Eyeopener - Adieu, Thrashers!

-The Heat are going to win the NBA championship and Dan Gilbert is going end up eating his own words.  It has nothing to do with Miami's 92-84 win last night in game one of the NBA Finals.  It has nothing to do with the fact Dirk tore a tendon in his non-shooting hand.  Why I am crowning Miami's ass already is that Dallas has no one who knows how to get to the mountain top.  Many of their key guys have been to Finals (Kidd, Dirk, etc.) but none have ever won the title like DWade has.  Now, you may be saying, "Neither has LeBron or Bosh," and you'd be right.  And while I can't defend Bosh here, we can't forget how much LeBron carried Cleveland for years.  He knows how to win, whether we want him to or not.

-The Atlanta Thrashers are headed north to Winnipeg , Manitoba.  That's in Canada for the geographically challenged.  The city and people of Atlanta could not care less while the people of the north could not be more ecstatic.  Take a look at the two screen shots from this morning.  The top one is from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution's website, Atlanta's biggest newspaper.  The other is from the Winnipeg Free Press's website, Winnipeg's go-to birdcage liner.  Click the pictures to make them larger, if you must.  See a difference?

-Terrell Pryor's hot wheels are now where the NCAA is doing most of it's lookin'.  I have a feeling shit is going to get really messy.  I just hope Tressel's hair doesn't move.

-Cliff Lee fell to 4-5 with a pedestrian 3.94 ERA following a 10-2 loss to the Nationals in which Danny Espinosa took the Arkansas native yard twice.

-Go fuck yourself, Rockies.

-Poor RA Dickey.  The guy was magnificent, his knuckleball dancing in the wind, making batters look silly.  Then the eight inning came about and he lost it.  With two out in the frame, Dickey let three runs plate turning a 1-0 lead into a 3-1 hole.  The Mets would go on to lose 5-1.

-Curtis Granderson has to be on the juice.  There is NO other explanation.  Granderson knocked in four RBI, including a two run shot in the first, as the Empire romped the A's, 10-3.

-Gary Carter, one of the good guys in all of sport, was diagnosed with glioblastoma, inoperable malignant brain tumors.  Doctors are starting on the former Expo/Met/Giant/Dodger on a regiment of aggressive chemo and radiation therapy.  Good luck, Gary.

-With both the World Cup and the Summer Olympics (and hopefully the 2022 Winter Games!) creeping up on them, Brazil is looking to expand three of its biggest airports to accommodate the rush of people that will be flooding their country.  How easy is security at a Brazilian airport?  Doesn't everyone just where thongs and bikinis?  Is there anywhere to even hide a weapon?

-We'll start caring about the French Open shortly, once it's almost over.  Until then here are more adequate commentators on the sport previewing the Soderling/Nadal and Federer/Djokovic semis.

A Little Midweek Stimulation

Rise and grind, motherfuckers.

It's that day again, the one where we're standing in the middle of the proverbial forest, no longer entering or exiting.  The saving grace is that for many of us, Monday was a day off.  No matter.  Tradition is tradition.  If the beginning of the song doesn't wake your ass up, nothing will.  Lessssgoooo.

There's Nothing Worse Than Your Mom Telling You To Stop Boning So Loudly

One of the authors of this website sent this text message to another. There's a blank spot in the original text to protect the names of the innocent.

Shantericca Madden: Confession Of A Killer

The New York Times really does bring some amazing stuff to the table.  A feature on their website today covers, in impressive breadth and scope, the March 3, 2011 murder of Middle Tennessee State University women's basketball player Tina Stewart by her roommate Shanterrica Madden.  The first piece is a telling of both women's stories using firsthand accounts of those who know them best, close friends and relatives.  Alongside that is a 40 minute video of Madden's confession to murdering her roommate during her police interrogation.  The Times does an excellent as always, providing a transcript that runs in real-time with the video as well as an interactive time bar that allows you to jump through the video to what you want to see, each section labeled.  It's powerful stuff, a strong reminder sports is not life, just merely an aspect of it.

Player Wives

Come on down, Kelly Bartlett!

Jason Bartlett, you deserve this. Playing for the Rays can be tough; two thousand fans coming to watch a playoff game can be hard on any man. But being able to come home to a dime like that must make things better.

Here's to you, Jason.

Quote Of The Day

We give you a quote fitting for the day, a reminder of just why you drank a couple gallons of brew, a couple pints of tequila, and the mysterious liquid that was in the bottom of the cooler because, "I totally saw some spill some Stoli in there." So, as you battle your hangover, watch your hands shake as you detox, and perspire sweat that is 40 proof, read this. It's a quote that combines love of nation for love of alcohol from a man who was known to love the women, Ben Franklin. (The quote is, in fact, out of context. Here is the full quote. Fuck it. We like it.)

"Beer if proof God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Eyeopener - We're Back!

We're back, bitches! Shitty weekends at work finished? Check. Livers drowned? Check. Colons plastered full of barbecued food? Check. Let's get back at this shit. The video is NSFW but whatever, you'll watch it anyway.

-Not going to rehash the past (too much) but it was a crazy weekend in sports:

JR Hildebrand can only successfully make 799 out of 800 left hand turns.

Dale Jr. needed about 1500 more feet worth of fuel.

Jim Tressel's sweater vest is not made of Kevlar but merely a cotton-poly blend.

Jo-Jo's Got Mojo!

In An All ACC Final In Men's Lax, Terps Win Crown.

Barca > ManU

Sepp Blatter is the Saddam Hussein of sports.

Bartolo Colon is doing steroids.

The Rockies are the 8-20 in May.

John Danks stanks, is a sore loser.

Here's The Video Of Chad Knaus F-Bombing

With only a handful of laps left in the marathon that is the Coca-Cola 600, Jimmie Johnson's engine let go.  Fox cut to Johnson's car and radio just in time to hear crew chief Chad Knaus vent his frustration.
(You might need to turn up the volume, it is a little quiet.)

Liquor Store Regular

You have recently switched from a "six of that tea that I drink" (Mike's Hard Tea, the manliest of malt beverages) and moved to a two six packs of Coors Light nips a night. I still can't tell if this a positive or not. What I can tell you is that your pierced chin/lip area is disgusting, as is the shitty soulpatch you have growing around it. Did I mention I dislike you and shake up your beer every chance I get?

Player Wives

Come on down, Anna Benson!

I remember when Anna made headlines when she said that she would sleep with everyone on the Mets if Kris cheated on her. I'm still not sure how that happened or if it did, if it would qualify as the great moment in Mets' history. If I were on that team I would've been lining Kris's locker with fake pictures and phone numbers and sent a steady stream of hookers to his hotel room on the road. Ultimately, like all seasons in Queens, it was a disappointing one when she didn't. She also promised threeways if that's what her husband wanted. My goodness, what a stand up gal.

Badminton Gets Sexy

The Badminton World Federation would be happy if all players dressed (and looked) like her, Danish born player Camilla Martin. he New York Times ran a piece this morning on a dress code being implemented on female badminton players by the BWF. The rule, which is being criticized roundly, would require female players to dress in shorts or skirts while playing in an attempt to create a more "attractive appearance". The criticism is pretty far-reaching and firmly based and is being, "criticized as sexist, a hindrance to performance and offensive to Muslim women who play the sport in large numbers in Asian countries". Well, yeah. The Times article has links to both the rule's press release and diagram of the short/skirt rules, or you could just follow ours.

One Time! An Ode To The Mad Dog, Chris Russo

As a young sports fan along the Jersey Shore, I am graced with both the New York City and Philadelphia media markets. The ability to watch Yankees, Mets and Phillies games all at once without having to sign my soul over to MLB.TV is a blessing. However, the ratio for Philly fans to some combination of New York sports fan has to be close to 30:1, if not 50:1. The constant yapping I’ve heard from the late 90’s Yankee dynasty to the Devils’ three (Fucking three? Really? Thank you, left wing lock.) to the Giants winning a Super Bowl on the biggest bullshit play ever is daunting. The natural course of action for someone who likes teams from a city that has won one championship since my birth would be to keep as far away from sports banter as humanly possible. But thanks to one man, it was not only easier to stand up to New York bias bullshit, it was fun. Thank you, Mad Dog Chris Russo.

As a teenager, Mike and the Mad Dog made my after school afternoons. So what if I refused to play sports or hangout with my girlfriend? I just wanted to listen to Mike and Dog argue the day’s topics. Mad Dog always knew how to tweak not only his partner, but every New York sports fan. From starting the show with “Meet the Mets” after each Mets’ loss down the stretch of their epic 2007 collapse to calling out the Yankee’s obscene payroll after every win versus the former Devil Rays, Mad Dog knew how to bring it.

And of course who could forget this, the rant that made every small market, bad luck baseball fan stand up and applaud Mad Dog all the while asking their friends if trading family members for world championships is a cause for concern or not.

Now Mad Dog has brought his “style” to Sirius-XM radio. As an avid listener to his station I have to say I am torn with the results. On the one hand, I am disappointed that Mad Dog and Mike Francesa broke up their partnership. He was definitely the ying to his yang. Without having someone in studio to rip apart for six hours, Mad Dog is left to rely on terrible callers. However, the station is so desperate for callers that Dog often restrains himself from being overly combative in an effort to keep the person from never calling again. Also, being forced to talk about national sports topics, there isn't the chance to get in depth with particular stories or teams. (Or as I like to call it, Mike and Mike in the Morning Syndrome.) Despite these shortcomings I am happy that I still have the opportunity to listen to him on my commute home from the office every afternoon, whereas if he took a job on the radio in Nashville I would not.

Mad Dog may be a watered down version of what he once was, but Dog at 75% is still way better than most. He still makes me feel like a teenager again, sitting outside on a summer afternoon telling my friends how pathetic they are for not knowing who the Yankees’ starting right fielder is. And for that, I will be forever grateful.

Quote Of The Day

Tug McGraw, winner of two World Series rings but more importantly father of Tim McGraw, was a character to say the least.  That said, his response when asked if he preferred Astroturf or natural grass should not be all that shocking:

"I dunno.  I never smoked any Astroturf."

Eyeopener - The Heimlich And A Door Prize For Chicago

-Sweet Jesus, Chicago.  Did Russell Westbrook give you a pep talk in a late huddle and tell you how to close out games?  You were the second-to-last line of between LeBronalypse and you failed us.  You lost 83-80, blew a 12 point lead, and your superstar went MIA in the fourth quarter again?  Thanks for nothing.  Your consolation prize is at the door.  (It's a steaming pile of shit, like the one you laid last night.)

-Buster Posey, he of the vicious collision yesterday, will likely be out for the rest of the season.  Posey suffered a broken leg and ligament damage in his ankle that will require surgery.  While the play at the plate was a clean play, some have questioned the necessity of the play itself or if the rule should be changed.  We here at That Guy! belief the play was not only clean play but a part of baseball that should remain.  Just like takeout slides and throwing at batters, it is a physical part of the game that has its place and should remain.  And how did the Giants do without young Buster?   They lost 1-0 to the Fish.

-Did MLB institute the mercy rule we all encountered at least once in Little League?  The BoSox romped on the Tigers 14-1 in a run rain-shortened 8 inning affair.  Carl Crawford joined Yaz and the Splendid Splinter as the only Boston left fielder since 1940 to record four hits and in two triples in the same game.

-If any of the four major North American sports had the problems FIFA has, we as a continent would flip our shit.  Current FIFA president Sepp Blatter had a bribery investigation opened up against him yesterday after Mohamed bin Hammam accused Blatter knew of payments bin Hammam had given out; payments that FIFA is investigating as bribery.  The topper?  Bin Hammam and Blatter face of in an election next week for FIFA's presidency.

-Digital Roy Halladay is just as good as flesh and bones Roy Halladay.  Brian Kingrey, a 25 year old music teacher in Louisiana, was the first to pitch a perfect game in 2K11's perfect game challenge.  Halladay sat down 27 straight 'Stros to earn Kingrey a very large check for a million dollars.  He will now also get the chance to pitch against the real Astros and has approximately the same chance at pitching a perfect game against them.