Embrassing Story Wednesday

It's a day late but whatever.  This story is an old one, a time where I had no facial hair and still hadn't touched my first boob yet.  It was July 2000, I was 12, and I was in Australia as part of a three week exchange program.  This incident took place on our second full day Down Under (sorry, I had to work it in):

Our group consisted of 40 students, four chaperones/teachers, our tour guide Melissa, and our bus driver Graham.  We started on the northeast coast in Cairns, home to rainforests and the Great Barrier Reef.  While showering for dinner on our second night I swore I heard someone knock on my door.  I threw on a towel and and I opened the door only to find no one.  Thinking maybe someone need something, clothes, toothpaste, etc. I stepped completely out of my room and into the hall.  Now, it wasn't really a hall, more of a passage way.  Being in the tropics the rooms all opened onto an open air passage, sort of like how malls in nice weather cities are built.  (Here's a link to the resort since I'm doing a shitty job describing it.)  Anyway, I turn to go back into my room the door won't budge.  It had locked behind me.  I was stuck in only a towel, dripping wet and visible to pretty much anyone who walked by and looked up.  I immediately become frantic (this experience would help me to prepare for college, a time in your life when being without most of your clothes in public is called Friday).  By chance a girl who was staying across the hall-thing from us comes out to head to dinner only to find a mostly naked, soaking me standing there.  She clearly does not know what to make of this.  I asked to go get our head chaperone, a fierce little lady, which she does in a hurry.  In what probably three minutes but felt like three hours our chaperone shows up to let me in, reading me the riot act on how I'm embarrassing myself, our group, and by proxy our country.  Remember, this was pre-GWBush so I really was embarrassing the US.  She let me in and I dressed in a matter of seconds.  As we walk in to eat I was met with a round of applause from my groupmates and chaperones.

Rangers Draft Paralyzed Player (Did It Just Get Dusty In Here?)

The Texas Rangers, reigning AL Champions made us choke up yesterday and not because they were teaching us how to hold a bat or eliminate our team from the playoffs.  No, instead they made us get emotional after drafting Jonathon Taylor in the 33rd round of yesterday's amateur baseball draft.  This wouldn't be anything special, Taylor is a .320 hitter with a set of wheels, someone who can cash checks of varying amounts by playing baseball, if Taylor wasn't paralyzed.  Taylor, or JT as his friends have creatively nicknamed him, was paralyzed on March 6 of this year after an outfield collision with teammate Zach Cone, the 37th pick in this year's draft, also by the Rangers.  Taylor is currently paralyzed from the waist down but is showing signs of improvement and I'm sure his spirits received a huge boost once he received word of his being drafted. 

Player Wives

Come on down, Gena Lee Nolin!

When we do the Player Wives posts, one of us emails me to get it all pretty and posted.  Usually the subject on the email is something pretty straight forward, the player's name, the wife's name, etc.  No, not today, not for this one.  This is subject on today's email, spelling and grammar just as it came to me in my GMail: "Who the fuck is cale hulse".  Apparently Cale Hulse made his living playing hockey for 15 years.  Also, he is nailing this piece of ass:

Sweet Jebus!  Sports are amazing.  Cale Hulse was a defenseman who I remember only because of NHL 2002 on the PC.  He carved a career as a third pairing guy and he gets to sleep with her nightly.  Only in the world of professional sports can someone mediocre get a Gena Lee Nolin.  Let me know when your best college professor rolls in with a piece of arm candy like that, I know none of mine did.

Quote Of The Day

Usually for the quote of the day we turn to words that ring through the annals (ha) of history.  Not so for today's offering.  Last night Charlie Manuel, the manager of the Phillies who perpetually looks like he is about to fall asleep on the bench, professed his love for Cole Hamels.  Whether that love was for the pitcher or the man is still unclear.  (Note: We got the quote from the Twitter of Philadelphia Inquirer staff writer Matt Gelb.  Matt is an absolute must follow if you care about Philadelphia baseball or just good sports writing in general.  Find him on Twitter: @magelb)

A Little Midweek Stimulation

Rise and grind, motherfuckers.

So it's a day late but when you're pulling your ass through the doldrums of the work week does it even matter?  Aren't the days just one shit smear from Monday to Friday?  I can see you nodding in agreement.  So lets do this, a little something to get you motivated enough to ask the cute girl down the hall out for drinks.  Or at least sneak an extra few seconds of creepy leering as she walks by.  Lessssgoooo.

Eyeopener - Nearly Killing Nathan Horton Seems Like A Bad Idea In Retrospect

Fuck word limits in titles.  Our blog, our unwieldy titles.

-Since Nathan Horton was nearly killed by Aaron Rome, the Bruins have outscored the Canucks 12-1 and tied the Stanley Cup Finals at two games apiece.  Seemingly besides cleaning Horton's clock, Rome seems to have cleaned the cobwebs up and kick started their offense into something fierce.  The B's took down Vancouver 4-0 in game four last night officially transforming from a potential whitewashing into a best of three shootout.   Already people north of the bordering are questioning if Bob Luongo (when you get shelled like he has been, you lose full name privileges) should start game five while the name Timothy, or variations thereof, will likely be the number one time in the greater Boston area this year.

-Speaking of Canada, Terrelle Pryor should make sure his passport is valid.  The Saskatchewan Roughriders acquired the rights yesterday to negotiate with the former Buckeye signal caller.  Pryor, who you should know by now left tOSU after a shitstorm of epic proportion that culminated in the accusation he made 20-40k selling his Herbie Hancock, is now a free agent of sorts and already people are speculating what's next.  Some are speculating Pryor could spend a season in the UFL, others are pondering already how TP could excel on their NFL squad of interest, and yet others are saying he won't be a solid fit on the 'Riders.

-So much for that infamous slow start.  The Red Sox are back on top of the AL East after their second straight whooping of the Empire.  I know New York had a solid west coast swing but I just have this feeling (that very well may be all bias) that these two teams are trending in very different directions.

-Buccos!  The Pirates are playing .500 ball!  At 30-30 this is the latest the Pirates have been at or above the break even mark since 2005.  The win came in the 12th inning on a Andrew McCutchen walk-off blast that sent the Pirates into a frenzy and DBacks to the showers.

-The Rockies won a series.  To say I'm elated would be an understatement.

-Cole Hamels was dominant, and he needed to be.  It's never good when the article starts with, "As he began the first home run trot for a Phillies hitter in eight days..."  What is good is when you beat the LA Dodgers 2-0 like the Phillies did last night.

-I am starting to really like DeShawn Stevenson and the way he (accurately) keeps talking shit about LeBron in the media.

Things Will Be Back To Normal

Don't worry everyone.  We didn't give up on the site, not by a long shot.  Sometimes life gets in the way and your employer won't let you take some time off to write about hot player wives or 19 year old college athletes.  Everything is a go for tomorrow including a belated Midweek Stimulation, Eyeopener, etc.

We hope you still love us.

Quote Of The Day

Dirk Nowitzki last night helped carry the Mavericks to a game four win, knotting the NBA Finals at 2-2.  The performance was reminiscent of some guy name Michael fighting somethin' nasty in game five of the 1998 NBA Fianls when he scored 38 points, grabbed seven boards, and added three swipes.  With that in mind, we turn to MJ for our quote, this one from a less than stellar night for Air Jordan, the night of his Hall of Fame induction:

"Tex reminded me that there's no 'I' in 'team".  And I looked back at Tex, I said, 'There's 'I' in win."

Player Wives - Widow Edition!

Come on down, Melissa Lima!

We're sorry your husband Jose died.  He was loved by all of us, someone who may have worn every jersey in the majors and always gave it his all.  That said, if you ever get lonely and need someone to keep you company through those long and lonely nights, I'm your guy.

How Much Bling On Your Ring?

Deadspin linked today to a piece on Hoopism where every NBA Championship ring is shown by team.  It's incredible to see how they went from incredibly simple to works of art starting in the 1980s.  The Lakers' 1987 ring is the first to really be iced out but what is also of note is how the following ring war was waged.  (Say that five times fast.)

1981: The Boston Celtics add green around their singular diamond, the first team in history to do so.

1982: The Los Angeles Lakers add purple around their diamond to keep up with their rivals in Beantown.

1983: The Philadelphia 76ers add red just to fit in with the kids at the lunch table.

1984: The Celtics say fuck this and add a shamrock around their diamond, daring the next team to do the same.

1985: The Lakers, lacking shamrocks in their team logo, use the Larry O'Brien trophy on their rings.

1986: The Celtics play the shamrock card once again, this time adding the O'Brien trophy to the ring with a shamrock in the background.

1987: The Lakers use five diamonds representing their five NBA Championships since moving to Los Angeles then follow that with a singular diamond surrounded by a purple field with a perimeter of diamonds, essentially the "I have infinity plus one!" argument of NBA Championship rings.

Quote Of The Day

 As a kid there was one person above all in my house.  A man who could perform miracles, turn something into nothing, make you appreciate what you were feeling and seeing.  That man was Joe Montana.

I still revere him to this day even after finding out he played college football at the epicenter of everything dark and evil in the world. Today's quote of the day comes from Joe Cool himself.  Trailing in the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl with 200 ticks on the clock left, Montana turned to Harris Barton and gave him words of inspiration:

"There, in the stands, standing near the exit ramp.  Isn't that John Candy?"

Player Wives

Come on down, Jennifer Utley!

She sort of looks like Olivia Wilde, a compliment of the highest order.  Chase really has it made if you look past his gimpy knee: a World Series ring, a couple of pennants, many dollars in his bank account(s), legions of adoring fans sporting his name, and a smokeshow of a wife tagging along for the ride.

I hope you blow out both knees, Chase.

Eyeopener - The Canucks Are Scumbags

-The Vancouver Canucks came into game three of the Stanley Cup Finals having won the first two games while making it seem as if the series would be a breeze.  Then Aaron Rome leveled Nathan Horton in a hit that evoked different responses depending on which dressing room you were in (and one I thought was exceptionally dirty and dangerous) and the B's woke up.  Boston hung a great eight on the Canucks in an 8-1 win that saw Bruins up the ante in physicality and Vancouver fall apart, especially Roberto Luongo.

-Congratulations to Bob Stoops and the Oklahoma Sooners on their national championship!  The Sooners fought long and hard all season, suffering a set back in only their last game of the season at the hands of the Southern Cal Trojans.  That won't matter though as USC has to vacate it's 2004 BCS National Championship as punishment for using Reggie Bush, an ineligible player.

-Hand down, man down!  Mark Jackson is the new coach of the Golden State Warriors, a team known more for its offense than its defense.  Jackson figures to be a defensive ninded coach who will need to change the culture in the Bay Area to have success so expect to hear Jackson yelling "Hand down, man down!" frequently this coming season.

-Dirk Nowitzki needs a little support from time to time.  Some times he turns to his wife and sometimes he turns to his teammates.  And while Dirk's wife seems to be bringing the goods day in and day out:

Jason Terry and Co. hasn't been in the finals.  Dirk called out Terry yesterday, a move a little surprising from such a quiet superstar.  Considering the source, it might just be what the Mavs needed to even the series tonight.

-The MLB Draft was yesterday, bringing to the forefront a group of names you won't care about for another five years.  We'll let the pros at MLB.com explain who is who and what is what.

-Nails will be behind bars.  Lenny Dykstra, financial guru turned felon, was arrested on charges of grand theft auto and drug possession as well as a slew of related charges.  He is jailed on $500,000 bail.

We Took A Mental Day Off

We needed a mental day to ourselves yesterday so we didn't post, hope you didn't miss us too much.  We're working on the Eyeopener as we speak!

Tulo Inspires Masterpieces

Troy Tulowitzki, Colorado's near mythical shortstop, has inspired a masterpiece in the chalk medium.  The chalk art above was found in Larimer Square in Denver, complete with the score of today's 2-1 Rockies win and the Root Sports heading.  Well done, mystery artist.

We Caught People Having Sex In A Car

My girlfriend and I after a little dinner went to go park and chat for a bit last night.  We drove to a darker part of the parking lot, aiming to park next to two apparently empty cars.  As soon as I began to wheel the car into the parking space two very scared and very naked guys popped up from the backseat of one of the cars, desperately trying to dress themselves thinking/assuming we were the cops.  I drove away as fast as I could, we didn't want to ruin their night more than we already had.

Baseball: America's Next Economic Bubble?

The idea of bubbles bursting and letting a lot of people fall on their economic asses is an idea we've seen first hand: the dotcom bubble, the housing bubble, the dubble bubble.  But what about baseball?  Today a report on the financial health of MLB's 30 squads revealed that nine are outside of the rules set forth on debt-to-income.  Currently the rule states a club cannot have a debt 10 times greater than it's annual revenue yet some recognizable clubs find themselves out of compliance.  Aside from the Dodgers and Mets who are well-document debtors, the Phillies, Cubs, Rangers, Orioles, Tigers, Nationals, and Marlins all find themselves on the list of too much debt.  Major League Baseball claims they are not worried and that most of these clubs will be back within the parameters shortly but what remains is a bigger question.  Despite MLB doubling it's revenue to seven billion dollars in eight years, when clubs begin to outspend their means shades of the housing bubble come into play.  Now, I'm not saying teams will collapse and players will be holding out their hats on street corners.  What I am saying though is teams need to show fiscal restraint to ensure the long-term financial health of their club and the league as a whole.

The fine folks over at Phillies Nation did a great job using the available information on how and where exactly the Phillies went awry financially.  It's a solid and concise read that explains not only Philly's situation but most other club's as well, aside from the Mets and Dodgers.

Something New - Song For The Weekend

Since we like you guys, and sort of feel bad for a lack of posting today, we're rolling out a new feature on the site.  Every Friday we'll put up a song we've been digging on.  It can be old, new, shitty, not so shitty, whatever, just a little something to groove on throughout the weekend.  Given the tastes in music amongst the authors of That Guy! the songs are all but guaranteed to be eclectic at best.  So, lets do this thing.  This weekend's offering:

Brian Sabean Is Clearly A Bitter And Deranged Asshole

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Player Wives

Come on down, Hilary Duff!

Mike Comrie, congratulations. Not only have you had a respectable NHL career, you've managed to nail down one of the hottest pieces of ass in Hollywood. Not only that, SHE'S SEVEN YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU! I don't care all the bad things they say about Canadians, you prove them wrong. Enjoy tagging that over and over while you both roll around in your millions.