We Caught People Having Sex In A Car

My girlfriend and I after a little dinner went to go park and chat for a bit last night.  We drove to a darker part of the parking lot, aiming to park next to two apparently empty cars.  As soon as I began to wheel the car into the parking space two very scared and very naked guys popped up from the backseat of one of the cars, desperately trying to dress themselves thinking/assuming we were the cops.  I drove away as fast as I could, we didn't want to ruin their night more than we already had.

Baseball: America's Next Economic Bubble?

The idea of bubbles bursting and letting a lot of people fall on their economic asses is an idea we've seen first hand: the dotcom bubble, the housing bubble, the dubble bubble.  But what about baseball?  Today a report on the financial health of MLB's 30 squads revealed that nine are outside of the rules set forth on debt-to-income.  Currently the rule states a club cannot have a debt 10 times greater than it's annual revenue yet some recognizable clubs find themselves out of compliance.  Aside from the Dodgers and Mets who are well-document debtors, the Phillies, Cubs, Rangers, Orioles, Tigers, Nationals, and Marlins all find themselves on the list of too much debt.  Major League Baseball claims they are not worried and that most of these clubs will be back within the parameters shortly but what remains is a bigger question.  Despite MLB doubling it's revenue to seven billion dollars in eight years, when clubs begin to outspend their means shades of the housing bubble come into play.  Now, I'm not saying teams will collapse and players will be holding out their hats on street corners.  What I am saying though is teams need to show fiscal restraint to ensure the long-term financial health of their club and the league as a whole.

The fine folks over at Phillies Nation did a great job using the available information on how and where exactly the Phillies went awry financially.  It's a solid and concise read that explains not only Philly's situation but most other club's as well, aside from the Mets and Dodgers.

Something New - Song For The Weekend

Since we like you guys, and sort of feel bad for a lack of posting today, we're rolling out a new feature on the site.  Every Friday we'll put up a song we've been digging on.  It can be old, new, shitty, not so shitty, whatever, just a little something to groove on throughout the weekend.  Given the tastes in music amongst the authors of That Guy! the songs are all but guaranteed to be eclectic at best.  So, lets do this thing.  This weekend's offering:

Brian Sabean Is Clearly A Bitter And Deranged Asshole

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Player Wives

Come on down, Hilary Duff!

Mike Comrie, congratulations. Not only have you had a respectable NHL career, you've managed to nail down one of the hottest pieces of ass in Hollywood. Not only that, SHE'S SEVEN YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU! I don't care all the bad things they say about Canadians, you prove them wrong. Enjoy tagging that over and over while you both roll around in your millions.

How Herbstreit Got it Wrong

Kirk Herbstreit, the pretty boy of ESPN's college football coverage, the face of every fan's Saturday morning programming, and the analyst for some of the sport's biggest television events, botched this off season's biggest story. In response to Jim Tressel's resignation, the former Buckeye quarterback said, "I just think he got caught up in being so loyal to try and take care of his own players the way you would your son, the way I would my son, that I think trying to take care of them ended up backfiring on him." His spineless interpretation of the events is not only a dangerously misleading portrayal of Tressel's actions, it is also blatantly false.

Jim Tressel: The Facts

In the Spring of 2010, Jim Tressel was informed that his players were receiving improper benefits in exchange for team merchandise and autographs. When the players' scam came to light, Tressel lied and denied any knowledge of their "isolated" actions. 'The Vest,' whose persona Sports Illustrated has described as "Senatorial," immediately played the role of embattled patriarch--under fire, he claimed, for trying to protect his players. Apologies were missing and the coach's general attitude during press conferences was cagey, at best. Anyone capable of reading between the lines can see that Tressel only sought to protect his own reputation, not his players' integrity.

If Tressel had reported the violations, the perpetrators would have faced suspensions--likely the same sentences they are to serve in 2011--and would have been taught lessons in discipline and life; the sort of values a 'father' is supposed to teach. Instead, Tressel inculcated himself in the scandal. There is no adequate defense for this behavior. Apologists point to the absurdity of the NCAA's rules, but how are we taught to challenge unfairness and authority? Are responsible members of any society supposed to duck the rules and hide from repercussions? Accountability was not only missing at every level in Ohio State's program, it was institutionally discouraged by example.

Effects

For every Ryan Leaf and Braylon Edwards, there is a college football program unwilling to stand up to its players. The problem is systemic and goes beyond football. Coaches across college athletics openly violate NCAA regulations and endear themselves to players by triangulating with Clintonian-precision. They depict themselves as martyrs torn between oppressive NCAA rules and an immense love for their players; like Kelvin Sampson, for example, who, during the heat of investigations, saw himself as 'in the trenches' with his team What lesson are these coaches teaching their players? Only that the world is full of betrayal and false promises. What did Bruce Pearl's players inherit from their coach? A strong sense of disillusionment when the house of cards finally collapsed--similar to what Ohio State players must be feeling this week.

Herbstreit and others perpetuate and encourage the 'father figure' myth at the expense of hundreds of athletes. Jim Tressel sold out his 'children' by withholding information to save face. Jim Tressel "got caught up being loyal" to 'the vest,' not to his players. Herbstreit should understand that "taking care" of the players would have entailed being there for them when they shouldered responsibility for their actions. Tressel and dozens of other coaches deserve their fates because they are the 'deadbeat dads' of coaching--the coaches who mislead players and confuse love of team with love of self.

It's about accountability, Mr. Herbstreit. It appears you are not ready to be a father. Now fuck off.

Put it on the board, Hawk.

A-Rod Is The Most Overrated Player In Baseball

A recent SI players poll posed the question of who is the most overrated player in baseball.  The answer: Alex Rodriguez.  A-Rod has long been criticized for his lack of production in clutch situations and his defense is less than stellar.  What is also interesting to note is almost all of the players come from the northeast, the media hype capital of the world.  The Yankees have five of the the 16 on the list and all but two of the 16 hail from the AL or NL East, though one, Alfonso Soriano, did earlier in his career.  The list in order:

1: Alex Rodriguez - Yankees
2. Joba Chamberlain - Yankees
3. Derek Jeter - Yankees
4. Jayson Werth - Nationals
5. Jonathon Papelbon - Red Sox
6. Nick Swisher - Yankees
7. BJ Upton - Rays
8. David Ortiz - Red Sox
9. AJ Burnett - Yankees
10. Manny Ramirez - Rays (Retired)
11. Carlos Beltran - Mets
12. Alfonso Soriano - Cubs
13. Evan Longoria - Rays
14. JD Drew - Red Sox
15. David Wright - Mets
16. Albert Pujols - Cardinals

Give Us Some Feedback

We've been plugging along here for almost three weeks now and have watched with excitement our views grow and the countries in which we've been viewed expand. Hell, we added Mongolia, UAE, and Saudi Arabia today!

That said, we do this just as much for your enjoyment as our own. We'd love to hear what else you want hear about, what you don't want to hear about, any input you may have for us. It'd be great to hear. Thanks!

Player Wives

Come on down, Carrie Underwood.

When I see this picture, her legs slightly agape, all I can think about is Carrie saddling me up and riding me til the sun comes up; then singing me a lullaby until I fall asleep.

I hate you, Mike Fisher.

Quote Of The Day

With the Big Aristotle retiring it is only fitting we turn to him for the quote of the day.  Actually, we turn to him for ten quotes of the day, each one of a reminder of how much we'll miss him in the NBA.

Embarrassing Story Wednesday - #fuckfail

Sorry for the lateness of this, we had a little group authorship confusion. I'll make up for this gem of pure #fuckfail.

A little back story. I met this girl on the day of my 20th birthday party at my mom's work and six hours later she was riding me as I was alternating between consciousness and blackout. We ended up doing that thing a couple of times later but this story would turn to be the last time.

One night, a couple of weeks after my birthday, a couple of friends and I were playing beer pong. I had been blowing her up all night and finally convinced her to let me come pick her up. She lived about a half hour away and be being 20, with only one thing on my mind and a couple of beers in me, decided the hour round trip was well worth it. After the trek up and back to where we were playing, the night went exactly as expected: drinking, touching, waiting to get back my friend's house where we were staying. After drinking more than is healthy and stopping to get hoagies we made it back to my friends house. He had the basement, a large finished basement, to himself complete with beds, sofa, etc. He turned the room over to me and our lucky lady friend with the one rule of "don't use the fucking bed". So, after a few awkward moments on the couch and a move to my friend's bed, it was on. What I remember for the rest of the night is some awkward sex and then waking up with just a t-shirt on and her sleeping next to me sans clothes. After the always uncomfortable waking her up because my friends and I were going to take her home (three of us were going to drop of papers at our college and her house was on the way) I asked what happened. She started giggling which is NEVER a good sign and went on to tell me I fell asleep mid-sex. On top of her. Inside of her. She then said she let me sleep because I looked really happy. We dropped her off and haven't seen her since.

Eyeopener - Shaq Retires, South Florida Buffets Quiver In Fear

A LOT happened yesterday in the world of sports so today's Eyeopener might be long enough, and boring enough, to be today's Eyecloser as well.  Let's get to it.

-Shaquille O'Neal, perhaps the most dominant force in basketball history on and off the court, has hung up his gigantic sneakers after 19 NBA seasons.  O'Neal's name will be all over the record book for years to come: 28,596 points (5th all-time), 13 seasons with at least 20 ppg and 10 rpg (most ever), grabbed 13,099 rebounds (13th all-time), won four NBA Championships, three NBA Finals MVP, one NBA MVP, 15 All-Star game appearances, won two scoring titles, was a three time All-Star game MVP, and made eight All-NBA first team.  That, coupled with the fact he moved like a 7'2" ballerina who broke backboards, makes him arguably the best center ever to play.

-With the news of Shaq's retirement came news that the Lakers will retire his number 34. 

-The NHL finals got off to an incredible start last night.  The Vancouver Canucks defeated the Boston Bruins 1-0 on a Raffi Torres goal with 18.5 seconds left.  The game was an extremely physical with monster checks and a lot of scrums after the whistle.  Boston outplayed Vancouver (watch the video) leading me to believe one of two things.  The first is the series is much more even than people predicted or Boston shot its load last night and is looking at running into a Canucks buzzsaw.

-The other big piece of news out of last night's game was Vancouver's Alex Burrow's apparent bite of Boston Patrice Bergeron's finger at the end of the first period.  The pair got into it along the end boards as the horn sounded and, as the official stepped between the two, Bergeron's finger appeared to go into Burrow's mouth which he then bit.  There is precedence of suspending a player if it is deemed he did actually bite Bergeron's finger so we'll have to wait on word from Toronto on what is league's next step.

-Terrelle Pryor's mother apparently bought his new-for-him-used-to-everyone-else 2007 Nissan 350Z but that doesn't change the fact the state of Ohio says he can't legally drive.

-Ricky Rubio is coming to America to look for his princess with Arsenio Hall play basketball with Kevin Love after two years of back and forth negotiations that left many believing Rubio and his eyebrows did not want to play hoops in Minnesota.  The timing is interesting because of Rubio having a very poor season in the Euroleague, averaging just 6.5 points, 3.2 boards, 3.5 assists, 1.6 steals, and shooting a lousy 39.2% from inside the arc and an atrocious 22.4% from deep.

-Apparently Lance Armstrong's doping test from the 2001 Tour de Suisse was deemed "suspicious" by the lab chief in the land of clocks and anonymous bank accounts. The lab director, Martial Saugy, went on to say the test results were "consistent with EPO use".  If true, it is one more piece of evidence mounting against Lance Armstrong's claim of riding clean.

-Dice-K is having Tommy John surgery, adding to a list of reasons of why he is not worth the $103 million the Red Sox paid to acquire him four years ago.  The Red Sox also were swept at then hands of the Other Sox yesterday 7-4 at Fenway.

-The Rockies were abysmal last month.  This month they're playing 1.000% ball and Ubaldo hasn't dropped a decision!

-Can someone help out the Phillies starters with some runs?  The Phils dropped a 2-1 decision to John "Lannen" which featured Laynce Nix doing it all from hitting go-ahead home runs to Superman-ing for a slicer in the gap to save two or three runs.

-Nick Swisher, someone whose existence bothers me to no end, hit a three run jack last night to put the Yankees up 4-2 and seal a sweep of the Oakland A's.  The good news for us Empire haters?  MLB is investigating A-Douche for contact with Yuri Sucart his cousin who is banned from contact with the Yankees by the team and MLB for being a drug runner and the man behind providing Rodriguez with PED.

ESPN Got All Confusing On Us

This was the front page of ESPN Mobile's website the other day. There a lot of Zs, double consonants, and names we generally would not be able to pronounce.

Foul Ball > Daughter

Here is a gem of a video a reader sent into us.  Apparently catching a foul ball at a baseball game is more than not dropping your daughter.  You know in ten years she'll be sleeping with every guy in school, doing lines of blow at work, and be a walking Petri dish of disease ALL BECAUSE YOU DROPPED ME DADDY!  I FUCKING HATE YOU!

As The Crow Flies: The NHL's New Look Southeast Division

With the Atlanta Thrashers moving to Winnipeg for this coming season, the divisions will almost certainly realign... in 2012/13. That leaves the new the franchise to continue, at least for one season, to play in the Southeast Division, creating some interesting road trips.  For your humor we mapped out, as the crow flies (ie: a straight line) between the Thrashers new home in Winnipeg, the MTS Centre, and the other arenas in the Southeast.  Enjoy!

From the MTS Centre to the RBC Center in Raleigh, NC - Carolina Hurricanes

Total Distance: 1342.931

From the MTS Centre to the BankAtlantic Center in Sunrise, FL - Florida Panthers

Total Distance: 1870.327

From the MTS Centre to the St. Pete Times Forum in Tampa, FL - Tampa Bay Lightning

Total Distance: 1703.960

From the MTS Centre to the Verizon Center in Washington, DC - Washington Capitals

Total Distance: 1245.319

I Think I Hit A Gremlin

While driving home from work the other day on the Garden State Parkway I heard a loud thwap.  I looked up in time to see the blood trail work its way up my windshield.  I'm not fully sure what I hit but my guess right now is leaning towards a gremlin.  That is a lot of blood and the streak was about six inches from top to bottom.  The creepiest part was that hitting the wipers with windshield wiper fluid did nothing, not even smear it.  Nature is a fucked up thing.

Quote Of The Day

For today's quote we turn to Lawrence Taylor: snorter of cocaine, breaker of legs (see below), and solicitor of prostitutes.  When asked about his recent arrest for picking up an underage prostitute in New York, Lawrence stated, "I don't card them."  Fantastic.

Player Wives (NSFW)

Come on down, Laura Cover!

Aaron fucking Boone, you've had quite a life. You played for both the Yanks and Sox, hit a minor home run in some game 7, and have a sex piece of a wife who is a former Playmate (link is NSFW). She is unbelievable. Imagine her polishing your Pesky Pole on a nightly basis?

Eyeopener - Adieu, Thrashers!

-The Heat are going to win the NBA championship and Dan Gilbert is going end up eating his own words.  It has nothing to do with Miami's 92-84 win last night in game one of the NBA Finals.  It has nothing to do with the fact Dirk tore a tendon in his non-shooting hand.  Why I am crowning Miami's ass already is that Dallas has no one who knows how to get to the mountain top.  Many of their key guys have been to Finals (Kidd, Dirk, etc.) but none have ever won the title like DWade has.  Now, you may be saying, "Neither has LeBron or Bosh," and you'd be right.  And while I can't defend Bosh here, we can't forget how much LeBron carried Cleveland for years.  He knows how to win, whether we want him to or not.

-The Atlanta Thrashers are headed north to Winnipeg , Manitoba.  That's in Canada for the geographically challenged.  The city and people of Atlanta could not care less while the people of the north could not be more ecstatic.  Take a look at the two screen shots from this morning.  The top one is from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution's website, Atlanta's biggest newspaper.  The other is from the Winnipeg Free Press's website, Winnipeg's go-to birdcage liner.  Click the pictures to make them larger, if you must.  See a difference?

-Terrell Pryor's hot wheels are now where the NCAA is doing most of it's lookin'.  I have a feeling shit is going to get really messy.  I just hope Tressel's hair doesn't move.

-Cliff Lee fell to 4-5 with a pedestrian 3.94 ERA following a 10-2 loss to the Nationals in which Danny Espinosa took the Arkansas native yard twice.

-Go fuck yourself, Rockies.

-Poor RA Dickey.  The guy was magnificent, his knuckleball dancing in the wind, making batters look silly.  Then the eight inning came about and he lost it.  With two out in the frame, Dickey let three runs plate turning a 1-0 lead into a 3-1 hole.  The Mets would go on to lose 5-1.

-Curtis Granderson has to be on the juice.  There is NO other explanation.  Granderson knocked in four RBI, including a two run shot in the first, as the Empire romped the A's, 10-3.

-Gary Carter, one of the good guys in all of sport, was diagnosed with glioblastoma, inoperable malignant brain tumors.  Doctors are starting on the former Expo/Met/Giant/Dodger on a regiment of aggressive chemo and radiation therapy.  Good luck, Gary.

-With both the World Cup and the Summer Olympics (and hopefully the 2022 Winter Games!) creeping up on them, Brazil is looking to expand three of its biggest airports to accommodate the rush of people that will be flooding their country.  How easy is security at a Brazilian airport?  Doesn't everyone just where thongs and bikinis?  Is there anywhere to even hide a weapon?

-We'll start caring about the French Open shortly, once it's almost over.  Until then here are more adequate commentators on the sport previewing the Soderling/Nadal and Federer/Djokovic semis.

A Little Midweek Stimulation

Rise and grind, motherfuckers.

It's that day again, the one where we're standing in the middle of the proverbial forest, no longer entering or exiting.  The saving grace is that for many of us, Monday was a day off.  No matter.  Tradition is tradition.  If the beginning of the song doesn't wake your ass up, nothing will.  Lessssgoooo.